Peace, understanding & life.

It's been a while, eh? Let's just get right to it...

One thing God's been trying to drive into me is peace. Having peace in knowing He is God and is in control. Having peace that He has me where I am for a purpose, and trusting that He will lead me. All of this was made quite apparent to me during different times in Mexico. Well, I knew this before going, but it just confirmed time after time. The first time was during personal devos...I just opened the Bible to a random page and WHAM! a verse talking about God's peace. The second time was at the prophecy tents they had at the church. Then with talking to people, people praying over me, and other ways. God's pretty cool like that, eh? Let's just say...I'm trying. Not completely there at being at peace with God. It's just things like my dad being sick and not knowing if it's cancer (supposed to know today...) that make me unstill. That's another thing God's been trying to speak to me through. That no matter the outcome to trust Him; He has the best in mind--I don't see the bigger picture He has.

I'm also sure on what I want to do with my life. It's something a college degree will have no good in. Well, I could have one, a job, and still do what I want to do. I just want to show the world Christ's love is all. I want to go work with kids who have known no true love but that of Christ. Or kids that think they know love--think they've found it in different forms, but don't know the true definition of Love.
I want nothing else.
I want God to give me more people to burn for...I've felt this type of burden on my heart for a while now.
I know, this is what we are called to do. But on a larger scale, you know?
Now to wait and see...

Puebla

Puebla, Mexico--Esperanza Viva.
I don't really know how to describe this trip. To put into words what God has done and spoken into my life.
Things have to change, that's one thing I know. And it'll be hard; but it'll be worth it.
God really stretched me. Challenged me. And now He's got me thinking on a few things...I'll hold back on the things because...yes...I'm doing some serious thinking...
Joy. Tears about goodbyes (or as Juana says, there are no goodbyes, only "see you laters" for we well eventually see each other at sometime, even if it may be on the other side)
I have so much I'd like to write. Really. So much going on my mind. I'm still sitting, reflecting on the trip, reflecting on what I need to do and going forward.

Maybe I'll update this later...

Craziness!

Last night at the fair was pure craziness...a woman who was pregnant, and there pushing 2 children in her stroller, was beat-up by 2 guys because she supposedly said something. Then her husband went after one of the guys and beat him down. They all got arrested. Brian, Isaac, Elijah, and I missed the beatdown by a minute. I'm glad they had to stop for mini-donuts. We did walk by and saw the young woman lying on the ground, someone cradling her, the woman herself holding an icepack over one side of her face...the other side of her face was bloodied, almost looking like someone had took a knife to it. It's just insane someone would ever beat up a pregnant woman there with her 2 other kids...or that someone would beat up a woman...or...
This world is just INSANE.
(Of course, all of this took place during closing time, since we went later, after church. We learned our lesson to go earlier.)
This black kid half the height of Elijah tried to start a fight with him just because he was "gangsta" and didn't like the way Elijah was looking at him. He even tried kicking Elijah in his..er...yeah...But when Elijah told him to chill, the kid started backing up, like he was a chicken.
We also got to experience 2 bi-sexual girls who were high, that wanted us to give them a ride...making out with various guys and not leaving us alone. Probably because one of them is my neighbor. =/ This world has indeed gone to hell.

I keep making random friends at random places I go to. Like Target South, there's Alexis. If you go there, be nice to her. She works in the cafe. Isaac, Elijah and I were there on Monday night and just started talking to her randomly, telling her jokes and hoping she would give us free pizza since it was almost closing time. But we just stood there and chatted with her for a while, pretty sweet. Invited her to see a free movie with us (she didn't show, neither did this girl I went to Studio with that works at Target. If you see a girl named Karis [real name Karissa] that works there, be nice to her. She used to have a pet monkey, and has a 3 or 4 year old son. I didn't recognize her at first, but she was excited to see me, and gave me her number. I saw her when I went to Target again tonight, and I wasn't so nice in my acknowledgment. Thank goodness for text message apologies =P)
Anyways, back to Alexis...I saw her as well when I went back to Target with my sisters, mom and niece today. She was on the end of her break, so we just chatted for a little bit. She told me how she saw the movie we invited her to with her boyfriend on Tues. night. She also told her boyfriend about the 3 of us, and how we are the white versions of she, her boyfriend, and her best friend. We apparently were "actin' a fool." She wants to hang with us sometime, and I got her number.
I feel like I need to be reaching out more...
Then we went to Perkin's tonight/this morning, and met Annette. She's like a mom, since she is a mom. We talked to her for a little bit, and she's hilarious. She gave us free drinks since we were so nice to her. And when we left, she had to make sure she got a hug from all of us. So, if you end up at Perkin's South late at night and get her as a server, tip her well.

Oh, today's my sister Bonnie's 30th birthday. Happy birthday Bonnie! :)

untitled.

If you care to, pray for my dad...they found some lymph nodes on his lungs--could be anything from nothing to cancer. So, yes, that'd be appreciated.
He also lost his wallet (or possibly had it stolen) at the fair...and no one has been decent enough to turn it in or call him saying they found it. It had his driver's license, $30, credit cards, AND his social security card in there. Oy.

I'm learning a lot about myself lately...it's always interesting to think you know completely everything, then NOPE...you don't.
I also keep seeing people I have not seen in a long time, wanting to hang out with me. People I wasn't necessarily nice to, or didn't really talk to. It's odd; like a second chance type of thing? I just wonder what makes them want to hang around a person like me. Is there something they see? Or are they just that desperate? =P
Gearing up for Mexico. Excited for it. 8 more days. Can't wait to show God's love to those kids. =D

I want to be random...

I feel like writing this...randomness...
-I had a really weird dream involving Hannah Montana...Wynter is the only one who really knows details. Now, why in the world would I be dreaming about HM? BAH!
-I'm letting my gauges close up. I could barely get the size 2's out after I had to gauge down to them, and I think I'll just be normal in that area...and it saddens me.
-I miss my lipring. Dude...I really do.
-My parents are giving me $9 for the $9.33 I had in the mess called my room...the change is for all the tolls in Chi-town. (so, I'm $9 richer... :)
-I found out that my dog's birthday is August 1. And he'll be 6 years old. Never knew that before, since he's a shelter dog. But the vet's office knew that. (we'd never asked the vet before today)
-It seems like bottles of kombucha like to explode on me lately...
-My niece is one of the greatest joys in my life. I think she's going to become a dancer; maybe hip-hop? She loves dancing, especially to hip-hop and when people on TV are doing hip-hop and break dancing. It's hilarious watching a nearly 2 year old try and do a headspin.
-I still $275 for my Mexico trip. I have no idea where that's coming from...(I believe God will provide, but...sometimes that's something hard to believe 100% of the time...)
-I hate how freaking hot it is!!! AGH! And we have no a/c in. None whatsoever...
-I have 2 songs stuck in my head, full rotation: "Last Night" by ilia (awesome hardcore Christian, all female band) and "Shadowfeet" by Brooke Fraser (she's just amazing...and the lyrics are whoooa)

whooo.

Happy 22nd birthday to my brother, Brian. (he won't read this, but whatever...)
It's weird...I think this is the first time I haven't seen my brother on his birthday. It's probably for the best; the last time I saw him he was trying to use a cord to whip me, cussing me out, and spitting on me.
Today is also my cousin Annicka's birthday...I think she's 11? Ha. And my Grandpa & Grandma Anderson's anniversary. Tomorrow would've been my cousin Adam's 33rd(?) birthday...(cancer sucks!) July is a busy month for my family birthday/anniversary-wise. I'm the only kid out of the DePeel 4 not born in July...(just the next month over =P)

I'm excited to go to Indiana this weekend. Even if it's a business trip my dad has to go on to meet with people that support his ministry...I'm going home. So, I moved when I was 3, Indiana has always felt like home. We used to go back every year, and the past few years that just hasn't happened. I know I'll just see family friends, but still. It's getting away. It's seeing people and having an opportunity to know them on a different level. I'm sick of knowing people on just one level, you know? I don't know if that makes sense...but just that one level we tend to know people on and are happy to leave that way...I want to move beyond that with many people, just because...I feel it should be that way. *shrugs*
I'm sad I won't be at Sonshine, yeah...won't see BarlowGirl, friends, other awesome bands, but hey, there's other times that'll happen.

This summer is going fast. It's crazy. I'm wishing it would slow down...

A rescuing.

As I lay in bed, wide awake but desperately seeking sleep, images started flashing in my mind. Scenes of sexual abuse. I quivered because I felt like each moment I was reliving as a helpless, little child. I shuttered, feeling as if the offender was there in my very room. For the first time in, well, a long time, I felt pain about everything that had happened. I tried making all these thoughts, these vile images, go away themselves, but they refused to do so.
I started distracting my mind, trying to think about the beauty that God has created from that very past. I cradled myself while singing songs about God being the One who saves. I then swallowed my pride and rested in His arms. My Father's arms. I laid there for a while, refusing to let go of Him. I let Him erase the pain that was near; renew my mind; be my comfort. I in turn thanked Him for being such a loving Father; for being my healer; for so many things...
Then I started to bawl. I realized that this was the first time in, well, a long time, that I truly asked my Father for His help. And for all those times I refused His help, He was standing right there waiting to be my comfort...
To make it short, I decided to stick with my Savior from here on out.

Strive.

I'm having a hard time grasping so many concepts in life. So many areas of life. I try to see the beauty of certain things, the good that is to come, but all I see is pain. And I'm sick of it. I don't know how to go beyond it at times, know what I mean?
I feel like I'm living life alone. Just pushed out naked into a world that doesn't care. And it truly doesn't. Everyone looks out for number one, and doesn't take time out for the little people.
I take time out for the "little people" and get nothing back. I don't expect anything from them, but now and then, just every once in a while, to get something, to get filled up, would be great.
To fill not so dry.
To be not just some empty shell.
I want to feel alive, be alive. LIVE.
Right now, it's just nothing. Like I am nothing to people. Like nothing to the contribution to mankind as a whole.
I don't need an ego stroke. A pat on the back. Nothing like that. Just someone, a person to come up beside me and be there would be nice. Make sense?
I will keep trying. I will keep pushing forward. But, I need to kick so many of these thinking habits aside.
I don't know how I'll do it by myself. Yes, I've got God with me, but sometimes that's still hard. Talking to someone you can't see. Someone that doesn't always answer (or so you don't think)...
I'll figure it out somehow.

If you catch this...

Let's go to Canada...I want to be where yaks can run free!


I hate feelings, and how much of an influence they have on you. I don't feel like this could go well, so I might as well skip the whole thing. That was rather vague, but you get the concept. We've all been there. I want to skip where I'm at. The part of waiting, wondering, if things are going anywhere. Just skip to the part of knowing...is all of this supposed to be something? Or is this as far as it goes? Why must I be so vague! Well, I guess I just feel like it. =P That, and some of you don't deserve to know things. Some of this applies to many areas of my life. But I think mostly I'm just speaking to one specific part at the moment.
I feel like I can't be 100% honest with most people at the time. And the people I wish to be 100% honest with I just goof off with in conversations with. There's only one person I am truly honest with, and well, he's a guy. Heh. But still, I can't spit that out to him. So, guess I'm not really 100% honest with him either, eh?
If the world was just straight-forward.
Didn't rely on feelings.
Didn't care about feelings.
What would that be like? I wonder sometimes.
Would that be easier, or would that just be more hurt?
I hate sometimes when I overthink things. I think it's one of my flaws. My brain goes spastic and becomes way too overactive. I overanalyze. Or I don't think about things not enough. I don't about things rationally. It keeps me up at night a lot.
I find my solace for that really nowhere. Just pick apart the thoughts one by one until I can try and get down to a few thoughts, and try not to worry about them. They still come up in my sleep, in my dreams. It's the strangest thing!

Brian is showing me a giant block of cheese. My stomach is now aching. AH! DAIRY!
I shall depart on that vomit inducing note.

Treaty.

(look, they're hugging!)

cheyenneclark: SEE, that's my problem with french people
cheyenneclark: the franch idian war???
cheyenneclark: ;P
lauraleedepeel: let us make peace
cheyenneclark: yes, for our whole generation!
cheyenneclark: we shall be the bearers of the peacful meadows
lauraleedepeel: amen sista!
cheyenneclark: (I have NO idea what that meant.....)
cheyenneclark: lol
lauraleedepeel: me neither, I thought I'd just go with it
cheyenneclark: okay
cheyenneclark: that can be in our treaty then

It's OK for people who are part French and part Native American to be friends now. Rejoice streets! Break forth with song!

(I've had a very slow day)

A 4 AM post.

It is late and I am beat, but I just got back from "painting" at the church (this consisted of me sitting and talking on the phone to Erika and Elijah), staying around church for longer than necessary, finding interesting things at Wal-Mart and getting a new wardrobe for Elijah's stint at Sonshine (had to be hXc stuff), and just sitting at a random park talking about deep, awkward and random things like we always do.

I think I'm getting a sweet new phone today. Razrs suck. I've had 2 Razrs, and my experiences with them have not been good. Boo! I don't remember the name of this phone. I just remember it is sweet...and turquoise.

In very awkward news, I got a condom in the mail yesterday. It was sent from YoungAmerica. I would like to know who is playing this joke on me. I find it somewhat funny...but it's embarassing when my parents ask what came in the package and I have to respond with that.

Chey--you still need to add me back on Yahoo, or we need to fix that. Yes, I just called you out on my blog young lady! So all 3 people who view this (do I even get that many?) will know this. Don't make me pull out your full name!

Remember to recycle. Reduce your waste. And let God be your JOY. :)

Birthdays and concerts.

It's my sister Heidi's 33rd birthday today. Happy birthday Heidi! (although I don't think she reads this)
In case she ever does---I ate the rest of the birthday cake Bonnie made. She said we could have it. I think it made me sick though. NOT WORTH IT! I need to get back on my diet, yo. I've lost 20 lbs. Chyeah! Rub that in the faces of people who thought I wasn't gonna make it, OK?

Carissa is taking Brian and I to a BarlowGirl concert in Wisconsin...a day after I get back from Mexico. I only mention this right now because she's soooo excited about it, and keeps calling me about either being super excited, getting a room in Siren that night, when we're going to leave, how she's already printed out directions to Siren, etc. She's never seen BG live. This could be crazy. I might go stand in the crowd by myself, or by others I know there if there are any.
I think my chances of going to Sonshine are getting diminished, because my bank account is getting diminished (well, not really)...I just need to stop spending. I keep spending when I don't need to be. Shirts I don't need, music, kombucha (OK, needed, but less), and movies. Ay. All people in Roch want to do is go see movies. In the course of 6 days I saw 4 movies: Wall-E, Wanted, Kit Kittredge, and Hancock. I find it kind've funny that I thought Kit Kittredge was the best out of those 4 movies. Anywho, I need to be saving for MX since I haven't paid for all of it and need money for when we get to shop there, and for college. College should be free, in my mind. =P

Edit: SCRATCH everything I said about the BarlowGirl concert. I have the most UNRELIABLE friends. And I'm officially pissed.

I need to add: A commercial just came on that said Puddle of Mudd was coming to Rochester. How lame. Why can't we get good bands? The last decent concert I went to at the Civic Center was MercyMe. I'm going to be gone when Decyfer Down is here on the 20th. Sad...

Getting back on track.

If I coast into weird stuff during this blog, it's because I'm trying to watch 'Be Kind, Rewind' while writing this...

I've decided I should blog more. Well, others have helped me make that decision.

Anywho, things lately have been interesting. Picking up pace. It seems like I'm either out doing something until 1-3 AM, or out of town. In fact, I'll be going to my good ol' hometown of Michigan City, IN, in a week and a half. :)

One thing I can say is I definitely need to be relying on God more. And stop worrying about what others think about me. Lately, the littlest things will set stuff off in my mind. Like, friends will do things that I think make me such a low, low option in their book, and I go "Oh, guess I'm not worth much, eh?" (everything I want to write isn't translating over well, I feel...) I totally know better though.

It's also dawned upon me that it's time I lived in the real world. High school's been over. College is upon me. And I don't know what I want to do. I have no job, except for the work I do online for my dad that does get me a fair amount of money. Annnd, the thing everyone likes to bug me about, I have no license. (I do have my last driving hour on the 30th...then I can take the test...so--pray that I pass that sucker) I feel lame for being 20 (wooo...August 28th, celebrate my birthday for me!) and that I have so little accomplished that matters to people in the real world. I've overcome a lot in my life, and in the "real world" that doesn't matter to many. Everything I've said I'd like to do with my life, people say is too impossible...reasoning mainly that since I dropped out of high school once (decision bred from high levels of anxiety), and that I couldn't make it through the extra schooling I'd have to go through.
I feel so old for just turning 20. Life has worn me out. I've let it wear me out. I refuse to let that happen anymore though. I'm going for things head-on. Watch out for me. I tell you...watch out for me.

I think I would like to write a book. Stories from life. About the people I know. That's very random, but true. And maybe you, the person reading this, maybe I'd like to write about you.

Mexico is soon...so soon. It's gonna be sweet. To see that love has no language, has no bounds.
To be humbled like crazy. To have God move like crazy. I can't wait to see the kids again, the staff. To bless them and be blessed by them.
And maybe I'll get to conquer that 'mountain' again. ;-)

<3,
Laura, LD, Leezer, LDePeel, etc.

Slamburger?

I haven't blogged in a while, but...life is so mundane. So it's not like I've been out doing great, exciting things to write about.
This is how I feel about life at the moment--it is confusing, a tad cruel, and kinda ridiculous.
I haven't been up to a whole lot either...hanging out with friends when they decide to be around, staying up late and sleeping in, selling stuff online for my dad and getting the profits, and that's it. That is my boring, repetitive life.
Music is my escape at this moment from current pains; ones I refuse to speak of, so don't try me.
I'm off to see if my indecisive friend really wants to hang out or not...
Let's hope I decide to post a normal blog soon. :)

I forgot!

After bowling, my cousins and I (along with Denzel, my youngest cousin's friend), went to McDonald's. I'm sitting there, chillin' and eating my 4 piece McNuggets and drinking a Coke, and this strange looking woman walks in. She heads towards the soda fountain to get a refill, and I notice she is holding a plastic Subway cup. This woman is heavyset, 40-50 years old, and looks mentally ill. As she leaves, she turns back and looks directly at me and says "They're trying to kill me!" Then she walked on out.
Well, apparently other people in the Mickey D's heard it as well, as the people a few tables ahead were talking about it.
It was...hilarious, to be frank.
For fun times like these, go to St. Cloud's McDonald's.

Does anybody read this?

God's pretty cool. I think we all know that though. ;-)
Anywho, I think a few people have heard me say this a lot lately, but this past week, I've been running into a lot of people I haven't talked to in a long time...long being up to 3 years. I honestly believe God is placing me into their lives for that moment, be it brief, for a reason. Maybe those few moments could brighten up a dreary day. Maybe it could help me out in ways. Be a way to reach out.
There is no such thing as coincidences when you're in God. I strongly believe that.
Some of these people, the stories are just hard to explain. There's been so much damage with them; and maybe, this can be a time of restoration...because these people that I've had the damage with want to talk more. Want to get together. We've forgiven the damage for the most part. And I believe this can be my time to reach out to them. I tried before with both of them, and failed miserably. Instead, I fell under their influence instead of being one instead. Talking to one of them, they are living life differently, and seem to be on the right path. They're just missing one thing in their life...the most important thing one person could ever have...

Well, I think I know what I would like to do with my life. There are a few possibilities in my mind. I got thinking about it only Wednesday night, really, when Cara probed my brain, with one of the questions asking what I'd like to do with my life. Well, no, I'm not gonna tell you on here. =P

Know what's fun? Surprising friends. Do it. I went to Stout with Carissa and Brian, and we surprised our friend Sarah. Made sure she was in her dorm, walked right in after we made sure, and then wow. Ha...it was amazing how happy that made her. Tears of joy came. They really did. The jumping up and down screaming. And then doing that while walking to campus for 10 minutes straight. The hugging multiple times. The talking about it throughout the night. To be apart of that made my heart glad.
Love ya Baumgard! :)

Monster.

I feel like sometimes I've turned into a monster.
Everytime it rears its ugly head, I wish, want to, try to, disconnect myself from it.
But it grips me even tighter under its control, under its reign. I try to wriggle away from the binds, but find myself tied even tighter.
I hate looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but a monster. One I've created; one I've let be created.

Identity.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe I'm isolating myself again...a part of me doesn't know why... a part of me thinks I need space. That I can figure out who I truly am in this solitary confinement. But all I figure out is that I'm lost. Quite lost. And each day I find out how much more I don't know...me. I know the basics...name, birthdate, status, orientation, height, weight, family, those basics...but every other detail, I'm slightly fuzzy on. It's like I think it's me, but then I question if I'm just picking up on other people.
I thought I figured maybe what I want to do with my life. I told one person, then shut up and recanted, as I realized I sounded ridiculous. I am still remaining mum on my secret ambition. On what I think I could do. But, then there's other things...things I feel called to do. I feel pulled in many directions; what I want to do, what God wants me to do, what others think I should do...I think that just adds to my not knowing who I am.

identity...
Oh...identity...one of those words that a dictionary can't really define with its words.

Christy, this one is for you.

Whoever wrote the blog entry below this one is an amazing author. ;-) (Love ya beautiful friend!)

Now, I figured I should write an entry based off of the response I got from Christy in the "I wanna write a blog, but give me ideas." blog. So, Mrs. Cass, or as I should call you, faithful reader ;-), this one is for you...(and I suppose whoever else may read)

Well, my goals for this year are pretty much these things: get my license and a car (just the license would do for now, because I'm pretty sure I could borrow one of the parental's cars), get a job (need to mention these first two things I've mentioned I'm working on, they've just not happened yet), figure out what I want to go to school for (maybe just do generals) and when and where, make it an entire year plus sober (Sunda will be back to the one month mark, once again), and just press forward in my walk with God everyday.
My passions, I'm sometimes unsure of. I love to write things, even if they may suck in my opinion. Uh...yeah...that's about it...
What makes my heart hurt? Could I form that into what I have a heart for? I have a heart for people, well kids, who have been abused and who have been hung up on some sort of addiction. Probably because I've been there... But...I feel like it doesn't translate...like people don't see that I have a heart for that. Also, I do have more passions, but why waste time sharing them when they won't be recognized? I hate that...
What is God teaching me? A lot... That I need to break down walls, that's a big one. I go off about how I want people in my life, wah wah loneliness, but how can I expect people to be there when I just have a big barrier there? I'm slowly letting my guard down to very few people, but I keep putting it up very quickly when things start to feel uncomfortable. It makes me think of when we were in Mexico, and Jerry said to me something about how I shouldn't keep my guard up all the time...
Maybe I'm still jaded or not grabbing onto what God fully has for me. I feel like there's more...but I'm not sure what...
I'm also learning...I have no idea who I am, honestly. It's like I've spent so much time trying to find myself in other things or people, that I lost me. And so...the journey continues?
I feel like I've crossed the border into confusing right now.
I'm not sure about a lot of things at the moment. I feel like just sitting somewhere and crying for a long time. Honestly.

I see I am kind've beating around the bush again. I'm sorry Christy. I DO need to work on that.

Playdates with Playdough

If I was a camera, I don't think I would take pictures. I mean c'mon now, thats what pretty much ALL cameras do. And some take videos or audio blah blah. I'd want to be different though, so instead I would be used as a spatula. Now that I think about it, I've always wanted to be a spatula. Or maybe a whisk, they're funkier looking. Dough is cool. Oh that reminds me, some people are odd. Like Roy. And his sweaters. But he is also really cool. Why are stars always drawn as yellow anyways? I mean seriously, you look into the sky and they are obviously NOT yellow. We're so deceitful, like hearts do not look like a heart shape, who even decided thats what a heart would be portrayed as?

I need something.

I feel like posting a blog, but I have no idea about what.
So much to write about...so many things I could...but no words.

You know what? Give me a topic to write about, and I'll write a blog about it...first come, first serve. Maybe...unless there's more than one suggestion, and the following suggestions rock. Or I could do more than 1 topic in a blog.
Or maybe no one will give me ideas. It'll probably be that one.
Ooooh well.

Y'know what?

Opening up actually feels good. No, it feels grand...
at least to those who aren't going to judge me from where I'm coming from, but are willing to listen, and even try to help...wow.
I already feel better casting that weight off of my shoulders instead of shutting down inside.
Uh, yes. That is all I have to say...crazy, right? Not one bit.

PS--My new addiction= The Joshua Cain Band.
http://www.myspace.com/thejoshuacainband ("Hope Is Walkin'" is my fav. on that page)
:D AMEN!

Who am I?

Questions flood my mind of who I am.

Do I know?

I thought I did.

But then I get reminded of the things I've done.

The things I'm doing.

My heart is in the right place

But my words come out wrong and sting the ones I love the most

Will I regain their trust again?

Will I ever move beyond this?

The real me is:

God-fearing

Satan-stomping

Created in His image so DO NOT say I am not beautiful

His

Taken in by His love

Captivated by His glory

Redeemed by His blood

Given grace eternally

Dead to self

And longing for more of Him

That's what He tells me I am.

For I am His.

I am my beloved and He is mine.

So why this doubt? Does this flesh of mine still overtake the heart of His in me? My words aren't empty and I speak the truth...but do my words need to be eaten?

God, reveal to me again the real me I know I am in you. The God-fearing, Satan-stomping woman who was created in Your image, redeemed by Your blood, given grace eternally, died to live, is captivated by Your glory, taken in by Your love, and YOURS. Just YOURS.

And for tonight, hold me in Your arms. Just for tonight. And for tomorrow, if I seek that same request, don't deny me, oh Lord, You won't deny me. My comfort forever, my hiding place, my rock. This is what I cling to, this is what I long for. And this is where I find the real me.

(yeah....it is a tad corny....)

The Inside.

My desperate heart is clanging against my crumbling bones in the fastest of manners. Why?
My thoughts are penetrated and stirred by this fact: I am broken.
This thought has come to me as both a beautiful and heart-breaking thing.
I'm beginning to accept this fact. Now I'm beginning to wonder if others will to accept this, or if I will continued to be passed on by.
I am broken.

My desperate heart is crying out for more.
More passion. More JOY. More fire. Just more.
There's a small spark inside of me...but when will it turn into an uncontrollable blaze?

No Plan B

Well, not much to write about really...
I graduated for real from Studio...I have nothing to do now. I'm looking for jobs and trying to get my license, but in the meantime....nothing. I hang out with no one...I just sit at home all day, thinking...and that can be dangerous.
I've messed up, I'll admit that. I've only confessed my big mistake to one person however...I think that's because I feel I must uphold this sense of being alright...even though that probably does not come across at all, despite my trying. I just feel that being a leader, I must be fine all the time. Must spare my problems from anyone else. Cass, I know you're reading this at some point---that's honestly why I believe I broke down that one Sunday...
Now to move on, and forgive myself for doing this.
Youth group feels like a huge division. I don't like it. Not among kids, no. But among some leaders...I've been told by some of them that we are all on the wrong path and that it's the end of times, and of course that's why we don't agree with them...because we're wrong, and in the end we shall see, and we shall perish. Um...pretty sure falling on your face, weird dancing, rolling on the floor, things like that, are NOT salvation issues. It's just dumb. I hate it. I also hate biting my tongue and resisting speaking up about it all. Speaking to them, to others, about how I feel about it.
But then again, I have nothing to prove to those people...
I know where I'm going. I know that I am indeed on the right path for once...that I am saved, and no one's words can rip that away from me. It's right there in Romans 8:31-39.

ONE love. ONE God. ONE way.

---if I ever have anything of value to say for once, I'll put the words in bold. ;-)