One More Round

Don't worry...Beka Hardt is still alive. We did box though.

I bought a pair of boxing gloves at the Thousand Foot Krutch/BarlowGirl/TobyMac concert. They say "BarlowGirl" on the right glove and "One More Round" on the left glove.
I got them signed, and as the lovely ladies in BarlowGirl were signing them, Becca and Alyssa Barlow decided to catch up on life with me. We hadn't seen each other for a year, but still had communicated in that time. I said life was interesting. Neither liked the sound of it, and Becca started saying "But Laura, you were doing so good..." Alyssa cut her off...we talked about being in one of those seasons. She bared her soul for a while with me, and told me how she too is in a season like that.
After some much needed encouragement, those boxing gloves had a new meaning. Alyssa told me she has a pair just like 'em She looks at them whenever she starts to feel defeated...and they help remind her to not give up, to keep fighting, that we really are in a battle. She told me she's glad I got the gloves, for they can be a symbolic thing like that. She wants me to do the same...to look at them and think those things, to use them as a tool.
You see, I haven't been alright 100% of the time. No one is, I realize that. But...yeah.I feel like I can't show my weaknesses or struggles to others anymore. I feel like I can't be weak. A part of me is wanting to cave in and give up. Things are hard...family, friends, school, temptations all around. I've been staying strong, but my fight...isn't what it should be. I haven't fell into a state of apathy, for I hate where I'm at. It's like I'm trying to move forward, but I feel stuck. Alyssa shared how she's in that season as well. We are both fighting for one another during our season of this.
I pray this will pass, and believe it will. I know I'm not giving it all in my fight. But when I have been getting knocked down, I'm glad to say I'm getting up again...not staying down like I used to.


Makes me think of my favorite song right now..."One More Round" by BarlowGirl. It's about boxing...ha...about how life is a spiritual warfare, but they put it in a boxing sense. They wrote it after a preacher spoke on the subject. Definitely worth the listen.

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breath
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring

I may be knocked down and bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here

One more round I'll come out swinging
But I now that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I wont reach the end

I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round ill just keep fighting one more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging
One more round

I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it
I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope in believing
God is for me who can take me down?
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting

One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging one more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gunna lose it here

I can't get no satisfaction...

I thought I'd be more satisfied with Brian moving. Happier. I'm not.
It feels the same. Maybe it's just because it's been the first day, and I need to give it time. However, a part of me wonders if it'll just always feel this way. No doubt the things he did was wrong, but a part of me wonders if something is wrong with me. If I'm not striving for God enough. If I'm doing my part, pulling my weight, trying, etc. If I'm not getting enough God in my life...(that in itself is impossible though). But...I'm not sure. I know I'm trying with everything inside of me to fix the defects that I have. I know I can't do it in my own strength, that's for sure. I really hate this wondering...mm...another thing I should rid myself of...?
I just hate that Brian has no support in this. All of his "friends" are nowhere to be found. Honestly. As my dad says, they're "like farts in a windstorm." Sometimes I wonder about my dad's little analogies.
I'm stupid if I say I don't have support...it's just, I don't feel it. Just because you don't feel something, doesn't mean it's there, right? I mean--I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, I believe in love even when I don't feel it, and I believe in God even when He is silent. (OK...just jacked that from a song)
I'm not sure what I'm wanting these days. Or if anything will satisfy me. (OK...I know, I know...Jesus satisfies...got that one down bud)

Sorry my blogs aren't so articulate and planned. I'm not one who sits out and writes them before-hand, or edits them until perfection is reached. I'm just writing off the top of my mind...and it's quite random up there. :)