Drowning in despair.

It seems like the feeling of defeat has overwhelmed my successes I've had.
I feel so kicked down and out. Everything matters, yet at the same time it doesn't. Everything just hurts too much.
I don't know why it hurts so bad.
I don't know why I feel this way.
Yes, there's a billion things going on, but why am I not strong?
I've been through this so many times before, but I've been either way worse than this, or way better.
Oddly enough, I'd rather be way worse, than this inbetween state. I just feel stuck.
The only person who can pull me out is me...and so far...no strides.

Tired and Uninspired

I've lost my flame. There's nothing near to spark me.
I can't grasp it to be honest. I try, but the things of the world grab a hold of me.
Why does it have to be so hard? To live for God that is...
I want to be different. I want them to see Him in me.
I know some see that, because at school I get voted "Most likely to be a Sunday school teacher" or stuff like that. But that doesn't mean much to me.
I want to make a DIFFERENCE.
And maybe I have been.
Like in kids' lives at youth group...I feel like I don't do enough for them, but sometimes all you can do is talk to them, give them advice you hope is good, and pray.
I just feel burnt out. I feel like I'm getting nothing back.
I just need some source of encouragement in my life.
I need to look to God for things of this nature, I know.
But it's so easy when you get peoples approval. And that blows.
Why can't I just be satisfied with who God says I am?
With how God sees me?
I have the heart, I have passion--which is still intact, maybe just a little faded.
I just need to lay it down...these secrets I keep holding onto...the desires, the fear, the contentment. And maybe while I'm there, laying those things down at His feet, I'll stay there for a while...spend some time with my Father and praise Him for much He's done for me. I haven't done that for a while.
Sounds like a good plan.
Surrender is a daily thing. Not a once in a lifetime deal.
May it be a part of my everyday life from now on!

I love sleep

I stayed up until 5 AM this morning. Needless to say, I missed another day of school. I haven't been there in so long I'm beginning to forget what it feels like. I have to go tomorrow, and after school have a meeting with the 2 teachers I have, the special ed. teacher, my dad, and I'm not sure who else.
Moving along...
The reason I didn't get to bed until 5? Well, besides my killer stomachache and hacking up a storm, it's because of a nightmare. Yes, a nightmare.
I had taken a nap in the afternoon, and had a terrible nightmare. I don't remember what happened in the nightmare, or who was in it besides myself. I just remember trying to wake up from it.
I hated whatever was going on so much, I tried waking myself up but was too paralyzed with fear. I tried to move, but couldn't. The most I could manage was to twitch my head. I heard my dad talking, because he was in the same room as I was. (I took a nap on the couch, and he was sitting in one of the chairs). I heard his voice, so I tried calling out for help, but nothing managed to come out. This went on for 15 minutes, and I was finally able to shake loose, breathe easy, and wake up.
(so, yes, this all happened NOT in my dream).
It made me think today of the parallels in other parts of my life. How sometimes I'm trying to run away from bad things, call out to my Father, and nothing comes out. It takes forever, and then I become paralyzed by fear.
I'm not sure if that really made sense, but yeah...that's about it, I guess.

Disconnected

Lately, I've just been soooo disconnected with people!
It's quite odd...more disconnected than usual.
I'm not really trying to make an effort to connect with them, but they aren't connecting with me.
I dunno. I guess it's kinda giving me a perspective on who really wants to be there for me, when able. It's odd...people I never expected to be there, are. More like...person...heh. More people I've never met are there for me than those I know well. I think I was most surprised by the card I got in the mail this week that gave me the encouragement I needed most. I must admit I was surprised by the person I received it from. They have been a great encouragement in my life, but...I don't know how to explain this.
I'm just sick of being disconnected. I don't want to be. I just don't know how to reconnect again.

The song on my heart and mind

Forgive Me--




Behind the Song:
"This song was birthed after a deep time of prayer in which we discovered the need for understanding how God viewed us in the light of his forgiveness. So many times as humans we like to place humanistic qualities on God simply because we can’t comprehend how He can love such unlovable creatures…and yet He still does. This song gives every listener the courage to believe that with God, it’s never too late to be forgiven. When you embrace this grace He’s made available to us, there’s nothing you ever need to fear. No valley in your life is permanent…" - Group 1 Crew

I know that's a concept hard for me to grasp. It's like I live too cautiously, fearful I may do something that will hurt God. Or, I'll live too on the edge, doing everything wrong having my justification being "God will forgive me." Sometimes I get stuck and wonder why He ever should forgive me, and forget as well.
This is one thing I don't think I'll ever grasp: His mercy, His grace. But it is the most beautiful thing I've known in my life.