mmhmm

I believe "Psalm 1" is my new favorite song...

I wanna be unmovable, unshakeable
Let my roots go down deep
Unmovable, unshakeable in You


And I, I wanna be like a tree
Planted by the streams of living water

Random...?

I feel as if I should write something, but honestly, what?
I feel sick lately. Tired all the time, sick almost everytime I eat, constant headaches...I need to get checked out or something.
I'm trying to decide if I like where I'm at in life. I want to say yes, because I'm happy...I'm drawing closer to God...etc.
But no...because I'm not putting all I am able into living for God. I need to find out what's holding me back still, because I have no idea what it could be, honestly.
I refuse to fall into complacency.

Zero.

why mentality.

Since, I'm no longer able to sleep...ha. What I was thinking about when I was going to bed was questioning God. Thinking about how we're always asking Him, "Why?" does this happen, "Why?" does that happen in life's hardest times, instead of trusting whatever He has for us.
I am one who is guilty of often doing this.
I asked God "Why?" for 7 long years about one incident. Yes, just one incident. "God, why did you allow that person to hurt me so much? Why are you such a jerk like that, allowing kids to go through such things? Why did it happen to me?" Those sort of "why" questions oft ran through my mind as the searing pain of remembrance of things past--sexual abuse, and the things to follow, raced through my head. I asked "why?" so much during those 7 years and never got an answer. Perhaps I wasn't listening. In fact I know I wasn't. Anyways, since I never got an answer, since I felt so used up at this, I gave up on God. Turned my back, and said I was never coming back. Ran away both figuratively and literally. I only came back home when I saw how shattered my family was...something inside of me said "Look at how much they're hurting...imagine how much your Father is hurting." Where did that come from? I had left God in the dust...I didn't believe in Him really. I mean, the instinctual want to have something to believe in was there, I knew who God was, but as far as wanting to serve Him...I didn't. As far as wanting to believe in Him, I wanted no part. Well, obviously that's all changed. I still struggled with wanting to believe in Him after I came home, but eventually, He proved Himself in so many ways to be real, I couldn't deny Him. Oh, the dangers of asking the simple question "why". OK, this really got off topic...gimme a break though...it's 2:39 AM. I can't have all my thoughts completely straight now.
But anywho...as I was dozing off to sleep, I started to think about the current situations...my family, etc. and how I started to ask "why" once more. Right after I stopped asking "why" I started again! Gah! But you know what? I've finally come to stop. I don't even want "why?" to be a part of my vocabulary. Ha. I've stopped because I've come to trust God in what He's doing. He knows what's best, what He's doing; He knows how this all is going to turn out; and He has a reason for this--even though I definitely can't see it. Maybe it's just another one of life's trials I have to go throw to just learn and grow.
This is one long rambling. I will end now.

Realization.

Tonight at the Gathering it was spoken by someone that God uses the times of loneliness in our lives as a want to draw us closer to Him. That resonates with me greatly. So many times I feel alone...so many times I have temptation to have those in my life that shouldn't be there, just so I won't feel so lonesome.
I really need to get this in my head...I'm not alone...He is with me. I just need to seek Him out, spend the time of loneliness with Him instead of acting in a "woe is me" attitude. You think I would've gotten it after I was told that God wants me to know I'm never alone, He's with me and wants me to be with Him in those times I feel lonely, that amazing night in Mexico. Or after I've talked with those I look up to and they've told me that God wants me to draw closer to Him in my loneliness. This is hitting me heavy right now. I don't necessarily feel lonely, like "Oh, no one hangs out with me," (although that does happen), but a lot of "I'm going through this right now...no one is beside me." That is a lie. There are so many people that have my back...given me an encouraging word about those situations, lifted me up in prayer. I think the Enemy has really found one of my weakest points and is trying to wear me down in it. I can't let him do that. I won't. I'm not going to say that and be inactive in that. No sir. I say this with intent, as one who is going to actively say a loud NO! to the devil and a silent yes to God, knowing He will hear and help me.

That was totally not what I got on here to write about.
I was actually going to write about how I feel hypocritical about a few things, and how I'm slowly getting rid of the hypocrisy I spew, but instead am trying to follow what I've told others. Practice what I preach. I guess what was truly on my heart came out instead.

Desire for Truth.

David once prayed, "You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart."
I can only plead with God that He will help me desire truth in my inner being, to live in such a way that I'm as honest and open with Him as I can become.
I know that the life He honors is the life He blesses.

Leaving it behind.

My day, my week, my month...
Thinking how I want to send this to someone that wounded my soul so much...and how when they last saw me, they saw a jaded kid, one they made that way. But how forgiveness has set in my heart...truly set in.
So, I leave this here, knowing they will not see this, knowing I have tried telling this person this before, and that someday, they shall know...I just hope the forgiveness I seek for my bitterness will lead them to ask for forgiveness for what they did.
It is still good.



I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' it's a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write above love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe
I should let you know
That I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello...

And the thing I find most amazing
Is amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

Perseverance...

First, I'd like to thank Bri for inspiring me to start blogging again. Since Xanga is so last year...BlogSpot! Now on with my thoughts...

What the Lord has been speaking to me about a lot lately is perseverance; having more of that in my life. There's one thing that's holding me back from being closer to Him...something I have no control over. I know it's something I need to trust Him with, and have some perseverance in.
Defined, perseverance means
1) steady persistance in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2) Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling short-changed. Quite the contrary -- we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
--Romans 5:3-5 (The Message)

Let us run with endurance the race that God has set out before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross beause of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of the highest honor beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all the things he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up.
--Hebrews 12:1-3 (NLT)

For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
--2 Corinthians 4:17-18

These have been only a few of the verses I've read that God has been using to speak to me about perseverance. Granted, Paul's intentions in writing them were for the persecuted church, but I'm quite sure they can be applied to the things I'm going through right now. I get some persecution of my faith thrown in there from my brother in there as well....

Anyways, I'm just learning, slowly, to never give up. I've given up way too many times. Walked away from God and said I'm not coming back. Or tried to drown out the situation with things that left me more empty...running away from home, drugs, alcohol, smoking, suicide attempts, cutting. I was trying to find an easy way out...trying to find a way to escape the situation, and not have to go through it. I'm done with that. I'm sticking in there, not going to walk away or drown out the situation. Instead, I'm going to seek God and ask Him to help me persevere, for He has a reason for this, and soon this season of my life will be over, and a new one shall begin.

God, help me to trust You in this time of hardships. Give me the strength to make it through. May You strengthen me in this time, and may I see the beauty that will come out of all it.
Lord, please turn my despair into desperation for You!