Christy, this one is for you.

Whoever wrote the blog entry below this one is an amazing author. ;-) (Love ya beautiful friend!)

Now, I figured I should write an entry based off of the response I got from Christy in the "I wanna write a blog, but give me ideas." blog. So, Mrs. Cass, or as I should call you, faithful reader ;-), this one is for you...(and I suppose whoever else may read)

Well, my goals for this year are pretty much these things: get my license and a car (just the license would do for now, because I'm pretty sure I could borrow one of the parental's cars), get a job (need to mention these first two things I've mentioned I'm working on, they've just not happened yet), figure out what I want to go to school for (maybe just do generals) and when and where, make it an entire year plus sober (Sunda will be back to the one month mark, once again), and just press forward in my walk with God everyday.
My passions, I'm sometimes unsure of. I love to write things, even if they may suck in my opinion. Uh...yeah...that's about it...
What makes my heart hurt? Could I form that into what I have a heart for? I have a heart for people, well kids, who have been abused and who have been hung up on some sort of addiction. Probably because I've been there... But...I feel like it doesn't translate...like people don't see that I have a heart for that. Also, I do have more passions, but why waste time sharing them when they won't be recognized? I hate that...
What is God teaching me? A lot... That I need to break down walls, that's a big one. I go off about how I want people in my life, wah wah loneliness, but how can I expect people to be there when I just have a big barrier there? I'm slowly letting my guard down to very few people, but I keep putting it up very quickly when things start to feel uncomfortable. It makes me think of when we were in Mexico, and Jerry said to me something about how I shouldn't keep my guard up all the time...
Maybe I'm still jaded or not grabbing onto what God fully has for me. I feel like there's more...but I'm not sure what...
I'm also learning...I have no idea who I am, honestly. It's like I've spent so much time trying to find myself in other things or people, that I lost me. And so...the journey continues?
I feel like I've crossed the border into confusing right now.
I'm not sure about a lot of things at the moment. I feel like just sitting somewhere and crying for a long time. Honestly.

I see I am kind've beating around the bush again. I'm sorry Christy. I DO need to work on that.

Playdates with Playdough

If I was a camera, I don't think I would take pictures. I mean c'mon now, thats what pretty much ALL cameras do. And some take videos or audio blah blah. I'd want to be different though, so instead I would be used as a spatula. Now that I think about it, I've always wanted to be a spatula. Or maybe a whisk, they're funkier looking. Dough is cool. Oh that reminds me, some people are odd. Like Roy. And his sweaters. But he is also really cool. Why are stars always drawn as yellow anyways? I mean seriously, you look into the sky and they are obviously NOT yellow. We're so deceitful, like hearts do not look like a heart shape, who even decided thats what a heart would be portrayed as?

I need something.

I feel like posting a blog, but I have no idea about what.
So much to write about...so many things I could...but no words.

You know what? Give me a topic to write about, and I'll write a blog about it...first come, first serve. Maybe...unless there's more than one suggestion, and the following suggestions rock. Or I could do more than 1 topic in a blog.
Or maybe no one will give me ideas. It'll probably be that one.
Ooooh well.

Y'know what?

Opening up actually feels good. No, it feels grand...
at least to those who aren't going to judge me from where I'm coming from, but are willing to listen, and even try to help...wow.
I already feel better casting that weight off of my shoulders instead of shutting down inside.
Uh, yes. That is all I have to say...crazy, right? Not one bit.

PS--My new addiction= The Joshua Cain Band.
http://www.myspace.com/thejoshuacainband ("Hope Is Walkin'" is my fav. on that page)
:D AMEN!

Who am I?

Questions flood my mind of who I am.

Do I know?

I thought I did.

But then I get reminded of the things I've done.

The things I'm doing.

My heart is in the right place

But my words come out wrong and sting the ones I love the most

Will I regain their trust again?

Will I ever move beyond this?

The real me is:

God-fearing

Satan-stomping

Created in His image so DO NOT say I am not beautiful

His

Taken in by His love

Captivated by His glory

Redeemed by His blood

Given grace eternally

Dead to self

And longing for more of Him

That's what He tells me I am.

For I am His.

I am my beloved and He is mine.

So why this doubt? Does this flesh of mine still overtake the heart of His in me? My words aren't empty and I speak the truth...but do my words need to be eaten?

God, reveal to me again the real me I know I am in you. The God-fearing, Satan-stomping woman who was created in Your image, redeemed by Your blood, given grace eternally, died to live, is captivated by Your glory, taken in by Your love, and YOURS. Just YOURS.

And for tonight, hold me in Your arms. Just for tonight. And for tomorrow, if I seek that same request, don't deny me, oh Lord, You won't deny me. My comfort forever, my hiding place, my rock. This is what I cling to, this is what I long for. And this is where I find the real me.

(yeah....it is a tad corny....)

The Inside.

My desperate heart is clanging against my crumbling bones in the fastest of manners. Why?
My thoughts are penetrated and stirred by this fact: I am broken.
This thought has come to me as both a beautiful and heart-breaking thing.
I'm beginning to accept this fact. Now I'm beginning to wonder if others will to accept this, or if I will continued to be passed on by.
I am broken.

My desperate heart is crying out for more.
More passion. More JOY. More fire. Just more.
There's a small spark inside of me...but when will it turn into an uncontrollable blaze?

No Plan B

Well, not much to write about really...
I graduated for real from Studio...I have nothing to do now. I'm looking for jobs and trying to get my license, but in the meantime....nothing. I hang out with no one...I just sit at home all day, thinking...and that can be dangerous.
I've messed up, I'll admit that. I've only confessed my big mistake to one person however...I think that's because I feel I must uphold this sense of being alright...even though that probably does not come across at all, despite my trying. I just feel that being a leader, I must be fine all the time. Must spare my problems from anyone else. Cass, I know you're reading this at some point---that's honestly why I believe I broke down that one Sunday...
Now to move on, and forgive myself for doing this.
Youth group feels like a huge division. I don't like it. Not among kids, no. But among some leaders...I've been told by some of them that we are all on the wrong path and that it's the end of times, and of course that's why we don't agree with them...because we're wrong, and in the end we shall see, and we shall perish. Um...pretty sure falling on your face, weird dancing, rolling on the floor, things like that, are NOT salvation issues. It's just dumb. I hate it. I also hate biting my tongue and resisting speaking up about it all. Speaking to them, to others, about how I feel about it.
But then again, I have nothing to prove to those people...
I know where I'm going. I know that I am indeed on the right path for once...that I am saved, and no one's words can rip that away from me. It's right there in Romans 8:31-39.

ONE love. ONE God. ONE way.

---if I ever have anything of value to say for once, I'll put the words in bold. ;-)