Riding home from the Christmas celebration with my immediate family this wintery night, I stared out the car window. The drifting snow looked like smoke moving slowly along the roads; the music that was playing was both eery and ethereal. The woman sang about how someone who had passed on was their angel. Being the person I am, I started to think about all those who I have loved, who have passed on. Staring at the drifting snow was the only thing holding back my tears. I heavily thought about my one remaining grandfather, and how I know his time here is limited. He is fading away, faster everyday. I've always tried to move as far away from death as possible. I remind myself each person is in a better place, out of their pain, resting in the arms of someone who can comfort them better than anyone else ever could. Yet, I've come to realize how I fear death. Not necessarily my own, but of those I love.
Yes, losing those you love hurts. It cuts deeper than any blade ever could. Anyone who has lost someone knows that.
But I've always held onto my beliefs.
Now, the questions creep in..."What if the things I believe aren't right? What next?"
This, this is what I need to shake.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I lack the words.
A sudden gust of inspiration has washed over me.
Inspiration that makes me feel like I can do anything.
I hold onto this inspiration, and the person who doesn't know they are behind it.
I hold onto it like it's my fleeting breath right now; like it's all that I have.
I'm trying to convey this inspiration into something...anything.
No writing works, to capture what it's giving me.
The canvas and layers of paint that have now stained my hands do it no justice.
It's too beautiful for words.
I want to capture it in a moment, for I know someday, it will be gone. Possibly someday soon.
It saddens me to think that, but it's envitable. Perhaps the inspiration will leave a permanent imprint inside of me.
Maybe if I fight hard enough, it'll stay.
I don't want to let this go; I don't want this out of my grasp, ever.
The elation that has come with it is overwhelming, but what I need. It's JOY. Pure, unadulterated JOY.
Inspiration that makes me feel like I can do anything.
I hold onto this inspiration, and the person who doesn't know they are behind it.
I hold onto it like it's my fleeting breath right now; like it's all that I have.
I'm trying to convey this inspiration into something...anything.
No writing works, to capture what it's giving me.
The canvas and layers of paint that have now stained my hands do it no justice.
It's too beautiful for words.
I want to capture it in a moment, for I know someday, it will be gone. Possibly someday soon.
It saddens me to think that, but it's envitable. Perhaps the inspiration will leave a permanent imprint inside of me.
Maybe if I fight hard enough, it'll stay.
I don't want to let this go; I don't want this out of my grasp, ever.
The elation that has come with it is overwhelming, but what I need. It's JOY. Pure, unadulterated JOY.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Stubborness. (move)
I told my heart it was time for a change, but it stubbornly refused to change its ways. I walked around with the wretched stone inside of me, slowly dropping inch by inch, hardening by the minute. It momentarily softened up when joy decided to brush up against it, trying to give some life, maybe some hope, to that pathetic, damned thing. The moments fled by quickly, and the stone remained. I tried chiseling away at it. The thought crossed my mind that maybe the rock was a layer of protection over my true heart. Not at all. I chiseled the rock down into a little pebble, trying to find out if it was, indeed, protection. I then used the chisel to try and shape what was left into my dreams, my desires, what I wanted my heart to look like. Those have all changed.
I've stared out my window at the snow for too long, wondering how I became like it.
I've stared out my window at the snow for too long, wondering how I became like it.
Monday, December 10, 2007
I believe that there's hope, buried beneath it all.
So, yes...I have let my guard down too many times, and let the enemy in too many times. Fighting was always an option, but not something I was doing. Why? Let's see...that's what I always do. I got in the danger zone, as I'll call it, the point of breaking with possible no return. I decided then that's when it's gotta change.
It's interesting how you can be pushed to what feels like the absolute end of your being, and that's when you break out your arsenal and decide to fight off the lies and deception of the enemy.
Now, to rebuild.
To let that hope rise up to the surface, and be one of the things to carry me through, but not the only thing.
To have JOY, and to the fullest extent.
To always be on the guard for the fowler's snare, and if I get caught, to not let it trip me up.
To fight.
It's interesting how you can be pushed to what feels like the absolute end of your being, and that's when you break out your arsenal and decide to fight off the lies and deception of the enemy.
Now, to rebuild.
To let that hope rise up to the surface, and be one of the things to carry me through, but not the only thing.
To have JOY, and to the fullest extent.
To always be on the guard for the fowler's snare, and if I get caught, to not let it trip me up.
To fight.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Drowning in despair.
It seems like the feeling of defeat has overwhelmed my successes I've had.
I feel so kicked down and out. Everything matters, yet at the same time it doesn't. Everything just hurts too much.
I don't know why it hurts so bad.
I don't know why I feel this way.
Yes, there's a billion things going on, but why am I not strong?
I've been through this so many times before, but I've been either way worse than this, or way better.
Oddly enough, I'd rather be way worse, than this inbetween state. I just feel stuck.
The only person who can pull me out is me...and so far...no strides.
I feel so kicked down and out. Everything matters, yet at the same time it doesn't. Everything just hurts too much.
I don't know why it hurts so bad.
I don't know why I feel this way.
Yes, there's a billion things going on, but why am I not strong?
I've been through this so many times before, but I've been either way worse than this, or way better.
Oddly enough, I'd rather be way worse, than this inbetween state. I just feel stuck.
The only person who can pull me out is me...and so far...no strides.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Tired and Uninspired
I've lost my flame. There's nothing near to spark me.
I can't grasp it to be honest. I try, but the things of the world grab a hold of me.
Why does it have to be so hard? To live for God that is...
I want to be different. I want them to see Him in me.
I know some see that, because at school I get voted "Most likely to be a Sunday school teacher" or stuff like that. But that doesn't mean much to me.
I want to make a DIFFERENCE.
And maybe I have been.
Like in kids' lives at youth group...I feel like I don't do enough for them, but sometimes all you can do is talk to them, give them advice you hope is good, and pray.
I just feel burnt out. I feel like I'm getting nothing back.
I just need some source of encouragement in my life.
I need to look to God for things of this nature, I know.
But it's so easy when you get peoples approval. And that blows.
Why can't I just be satisfied with who God says I am?
With how God sees me?
I have the heart, I have passion--which is still intact, maybe just a little faded.
I just need to lay it down...these secrets I keep holding onto...the desires, the fear, the contentment. And maybe while I'm there, laying those things down at His feet, I'll stay there for a while...spend some time with my Father and praise Him for much He's done for me. I haven't done that for a while.
Sounds like a good plan.
Surrender is a daily thing. Not a once in a lifetime deal.
May it be a part of my everyday life from now on!
I can't grasp it to be honest. I try, but the things of the world grab a hold of me.
Why does it have to be so hard? To live for God that is...
I want to be different. I want them to see Him in me.
I know some see that, because at school I get voted "Most likely to be a Sunday school teacher" or stuff like that. But that doesn't mean much to me.
I want to make a DIFFERENCE.
And maybe I have been.
Like in kids' lives at youth group...I feel like I don't do enough for them, but sometimes all you can do is talk to them, give them advice you hope is good, and pray.
I just feel burnt out. I feel like I'm getting nothing back.
I just need some source of encouragement in my life.
I need to look to God for things of this nature, I know.
But it's so easy when you get peoples approval. And that blows.
Why can't I just be satisfied with who God says I am?
With how God sees me?
I have the heart, I have passion--which is still intact, maybe just a little faded.
I just need to lay it down...these secrets I keep holding onto...the desires, the fear, the contentment. And maybe while I'm there, laying those things down at His feet, I'll stay there for a while...spend some time with my Father and praise Him for much He's done for me. I haven't done that for a while.
Sounds like a good plan.
Surrender is a daily thing. Not a once in a lifetime deal.
May it be a part of my everyday life from now on!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I love sleep
I stayed up until 5 AM this morning. Needless to say, I missed another day of school. I haven't been there in so long I'm beginning to forget what it feels like. I have to go tomorrow, and after school have a meeting with the 2 teachers I have, the special ed. teacher, my dad, and I'm not sure who else.
Moving along...
The reason I didn't get to bed until 5? Well, besides my killer stomachache and hacking up a storm, it's because of a nightmare. Yes, a nightmare.
I had taken a nap in the afternoon, and had a terrible nightmare. I don't remember what happened in the nightmare, or who was in it besides myself. I just remember trying to wake up from it.
I hated whatever was going on so much, I tried waking myself up but was too paralyzed with fear. I tried to move, but couldn't. The most I could manage was to twitch my head. I heard my dad talking, because he was in the same room as I was. (I took a nap on the couch, and he was sitting in one of the chairs). I heard his voice, so I tried calling out for help, but nothing managed to come out. This went on for 15 minutes, and I was finally able to shake loose, breathe easy, and wake up.
(so, yes, this all happened NOT in my dream).
It made me think today of the parallels in other parts of my life. How sometimes I'm trying to run away from bad things, call out to my Father, and nothing comes out. It takes forever, and then I become paralyzed by fear.
I'm not sure if that really made sense, but yeah...that's about it, I guess.
Moving along...
The reason I didn't get to bed until 5? Well, besides my killer stomachache and hacking up a storm, it's because of a nightmare. Yes, a nightmare.
I had taken a nap in the afternoon, and had a terrible nightmare. I don't remember what happened in the nightmare, or who was in it besides myself. I just remember trying to wake up from it.
I hated whatever was going on so much, I tried waking myself up but was too paralyzed with fear. I tried to move, but couldn't. The most I could manage was to twitch my head. I heard my dad talking, because he was in the same room as I was. (I took a nap on the couch, and he was sitting in one of the chairs). I heard his voice, so I tried calling out for help, but nothing managed to come out. This went on for 15 minutes, and I was finally able to shake loose, breathe easy, and wake up.
(so, yes, this all happened NOT in my dream).
It made me think today of the parallels in other parts of my life. How sometimes I'm trying to run away from bad things, call out to my Father, and nothing comes out. It takes forever, and then I become paralyzed by fear.
I'm not sure if that really made sense, but yeah...that's about it, I guess.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Disconnected
Lately, I've just been soooo disconnected with people!
It's quite odd...more disconnected than usual.
I'm not really trying to make an effort to connect with them, but they aren't connecting with me.
I dunno. I guess it's kinda giving me a perspective on who really wants to be there for me, when able. It's odd...people I never expected to be there, are. More like...person...heh. More people I've never met are there for me than those I know well. I think I was most surprised by the card I got in the mail this week that gave me the encouragement I needed most. I must admit I was surprised by the person I received it from. They have been a great encouragement in my life, but...I don't know how to explain this.
I'm just sick of being disconnected. I don't want to be. I just don't know how to reconnect again.
It's quite odd...more disconnected than usual.
I'm not really trying to make an effort to connect with them, but they aren't connecting with me.
I dunno. I guess it's kinda giving me a perspective on who really wants to be there for me, when able. It's odd...people I never expected to be there, are. More like...person...heh. More people I've never met are there for me than those I know well. I think I was most surprised by the card I got in the mail this week that gave me the encouragement I needed most. I must admit I was surprised by the person I received it from. They have been a great encouragement in my life, but...I don't know how to explain this.
I'm just sick of being disconnected. I don't want to be. I just don't know how to reconnect again.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
The song on my heart and mind
Forgive Me--
Behind the Song:
"This song was birthed after a deep time of prayer in which we discovered the need for understanding how God viewed us in the light of his forgiveness. So many times as humans we like to place humanistic qualities on God simply because we can’t comprehend how He can love such unlovable creatures…and yet He still does. This song gives every listener the courage to believe that with God, it’s never too late to be forgiven. When you embrace this grace He’s made available to us, there’s nothing you ever need to fear. No valley in your life is permanent…" - Group 1 Crew
I know that's a concept hard for me to grasp. It's like I live too cautiously, fearful I may do something that will hurt God. Or, I'll live too on the edge, doing everything wrong having my justification being "God will forgive me." Sometimes I get stuck and wonder why He ever should forgive me, and forget as well.
This is one thing I don't think I'll ever grasp: His mercy, His grace. But it is the most beautiful thing I've known in my life.
Behind the Song:
"This song was birthed after a deep time of prayer in which we discovered the need for understanding how God viewed us in the light of his forgiveness. So many times as humans we like to place humanistic qualities on God simply because we can’t comprehend how He can love such unlovable creatures…and yet He still does. This song gives every listener the courage to believe that with God, it’s never too late to be forgiven. When you embrace this grace He’s made available to us, there’s nothing you ever need to fear. No valley in your life is permanent…" - Group 1 Crew
I know that's a concept hard for me to grasp. It's like I live too cautiously, fearful I may do something that will hurt God. Or, I'll live too on the edge, doing everything wrong having my justification being "God will forgive me." Sometimes I get stuck and wonder why He ever should forgive me, and forget as well.
This is one thing I don't think I'll ever grasp: His mercy, His grace. But it is the most beautiful thing I've known in my life.
Monday, October 22, 2007
One More Round
Don't worry...Beka Hardt is still alive. We did box though.
I bought a pair of boxing gloves at the Thousand Foot Krutch/BarlowGirl/TobyMac concert. They say "BarlowGirl" on the right glove and "One More Round" on the left glove.
I got them signed, and as the lovely ladies in BarlowGirl were signing them, Becca and Alyssa Barlow decided to catch up on life with me. We hadn't seen each other for a year, but still had communicated in that time. I said life was interesting. Neither liked the sound of it, and Becca started saying "But Laura, you were doing so good..." Alyssa cut her off...we talked about being in one of those seasons. She bared her soul for a while with me, and told me how she too is in a season like that.
After some much needed encouragement, those boxing gloves had a new meaning. Alyssa told me she has a pair just like 'em She looks at them whenever she starts to feel defeated...and they help remind her to not give up, to keep fighting, that we really are in a battle. She told me she's glad I got the gloves, for they can be a symbolic thing like that. She wants me to do the same...to look at them and think those things, to use them as a tool.
You see, I haven't been alright 100% of the time. No one is, I realize that. But...yeah.I feel like I can't show my weaknesses or struggles to others anymore. I feel like I can't be weak. A part of me is wanting to cave in and give up. Things are hard...family, friends, school, temptations all around. I've been staying strong, but my fight...isn't what it should be. I haven't fell into a state of apathy, for I hate where I'm at. It's like I'm trying to move forward, but I feel stuck. Alyssa shared how she's in that season as well. We are both fighting for one another during our season of this.
I pray this will pass, and believe it will. I know I'm not giving it all in my fight. But when I have been getting knocked down, I'm glad to say I'm getting up again...not staying down like I used to.
Makes me think of my favorite song right now..."One More Round" by BarlowGirl. It's about boxing...ha...about how life is a spiritual warfare, but they put it in a boxing sense. They wrote it after a preacher spoke on the subject. Definitely worth the listen.
Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breath
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring
I may be knocked down and bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
But I now that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I wont reach the end
I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round ill just keep fighting one more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it
I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope in believing
God is for me who can take me down?
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging one more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gunna lose it here
Monday, October 1, 2007
I can't get no satisfaction...
I thought I'd be more satisfied with Brian moving. Happier. I'm not.
It feels the same. Maybe it's just because it's been the first day, and I need to give it time. However, a part of me wonders if it'll just always feel this way. No doubt the things he did was wrong, but a part of me wonders if something is wrong with me. If I'm not striving for God enough. If I'm doing my part, pulling my weight, trying, etc. If I'm not getting enough God in my life...(that in itself is impossible though). But...I'm not sure. I know I'm trying with everything inside of me to fix the defects that I have. I know I can't do it in my own strength, that's for sure. I really hate this wondering...mm...another thing I should rid myself of...?
I just hate that Brian has no support in this. All of his "friends" are nowhere to be found. Honestly. As my dad says, they're "like farts in a windstorm." Sometimes I wonder about my dad's little analogies.
I'm stupid if I say I don't have support...it's just, I don't feel it. Just because you don't feel something, doesn't mean it's there, right? I mean--I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, I believe in love even when I don't feel it, and I believe in God even when He is silent. (OK...just jacked that from a song)
I'm not sure what I'm wanting these days. Or if anything will satisfy me. (OK...I know, I know...Jesus satisfies...got that one down bud)
Sorry my blogs aren't so articulate and planned. I'm not one who sits out and writes them before-hand, or edits them until perfection is reached. I'm just writing off the top of my mind...and it's quite random up there. :)
It feels the same. Maybe it's just because it's been the first day, and I need to give it time. However, a part of me wonders if it'll just always feel this way. No doubt the things he did was wrong, but a part of me wonders if something is wrong with me. If I'm not striving for God enough. If I'm doing my part, pulling my weight, trying, etc. If I'm not getting enough God in my life...(that in itself is impossible though). But...I'm not sure. I know I'm trying with everything inside of me to fix the defects that I have. I know I can't do it in my own strength, that's for sure. I really hate this wondering...mm...another thing I should rid myself of...?
I just hate that Brian has no support in this. All of his "friends" are nowhere to be found. Honestly. As my dad says, they're "like farts in a windstorm." Sometimes I wonder about my dad's little analogies.
I'm stupid if I say I don't have support...it's just, I don't feel it. Just because you don't feel something, doesn't mean it's there, right? I mean--I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, I believe in love even when I don't feel it, and I believe in God even when He is silent. (OK...just jacked that from a song)
I'm not sure what I'm wanting these days. Or if anything will satisfy me. (OK...I know, I know...Jesus satisfies...got that one down bud)
Sorry my blogs aren't so articulate and planned. I'm not one who sits out and writes them before-hand, or edits them until perfection is reached. I'm just writing off the top of my mind...and it's quite random up there. :)
Saturday, September 29, 2007
mmhmm
I believe "Psalm 1" is my new favorite song...
I wanna be unmovable, unshakeable
Let my roots go down deep
Unmovable, unshakeable in You
And I, I wanna be like a tree
Planted by the streams of living water
I wanna be unmovable, unshakeable
Let my roots go down deep
Unmovable, unshakeable in You
And I, I wanna be like a tree
Planted by the streams of living water
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Random...?
I feel as if I should write something, but honestly, what?
I feel sick lately. Tired all the time, sick almost everytime I eat, constant headaches...I need to get checked out or something.
I'm trying to decide if I like where I'm at in life. I want to say yes, because I'm happy...I'm drawing closer to God...etc.
But no...because I'm not putting all I am able into living for God. I need to find out what's holding me back still, because I have no idea what it could be, honestly.
I refuse to fall into complacency.
I feel sick lately. Tired all the time, sick almost everytime I eat, constant headaches...I need to get checked out or something.
I'm trying to decide if I like where I'm at in life. I want to say yes, because I'm happy...I'm drawing closer to God...etc.
But no...because I'm not putting all I am able into living for God. I need to find out what's holding me back still, because I have no idea what it could be, honestly.
I refuse to fall into complacency.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
why mentality.
Since, I'm no longer able to sleep...ha. What I was thinking about when I was going to bed was questioning God. Thinking about how we're always asking Him, "Why?" does this happen, "Why?" does that happen in life's hardest times, instead of trusting whatever He has for us.
I am one who is guilty of often doing this.
I asked God "Why?" for 7 long years about one incident. Yes, just one incident. "God, why did you allow that person to hurt me so much? Why are you such a jerk like that, allowing kids to go through such things? Why did it happen to me?" Those sort of "why" questions oft ran through my mind as the searing pain of remembrance of things past--sexual abuse, and the things to follow, raced through my head. I asked "why?" so much during those 7 years and never got an answer. Perhaps I wasn't listening. In fact I know I wasn't. Anyways, since I never got an answer, since I felt so used up at this, I gave up on God. Turned my back, and said I was never coming back. Ran away both figuratively and literally. I only came back home when I saw how shattered my family was...something inside of me said "Look at how much they're hurting...imagine how much your Father is hurting." Where did that come from? I had left God in the dust...I didn't believe in Him really. I mean, the instinctual want to have something to believe in was there, I knew who God was, but as far as wanting to serve Him...I didn't. As far as wanting to believe in Him, I wanted no part. Well, obviously that's all changed. I still struggled with wanting to believe in Him after I came home, but eventually, He proved Himself in so many ways to be real, I couldn't deny Him. Oh, the dangers of asking the simple question "why". OK, this really got off topic...gimme a break though...it's 2:39 AM. I can't have all my thoughts completely straight now.
But anywho...as I was dozing off to sleep, I started to think about the current situations...my family, etc. and how I started to ask "why" once more. Right after I stopped asking "why" I started again! Gah! But you know what? I've finally come to stop. I don't even want "why?" to be a part of my vocabulary. Ha. I've stopped because I've come to trust God in what He's doing. He knows what's best, what He's doing; He knows how this all is going to turn out; and He has a reason for this--even though I definitely can't see it. Maybe it's just another one of life's trials I have to go throw to just learn and grow.
This is one long rambling. I will end now.
I am one who is guilty of often doing this.
I asked God "Why?" for 7 long years about one incident. Yes, just one incident. "God, why did you allow that person to hurt me so much? Why are you such a jerk like that, allowing kids to go through such things? Why did it happen to me?" Those sort of "why" questions oft ran through my mind as the searing pain of remembrance of things past--sexual abuse, and the things to follow, raced through my head. I asked "why?" so much during those 7 years and never got an answer. Perhaps I wasn't listening. In fact I know I wasn't. Anyways, since I never got an answer, since I felt so used up at this, I gave up on God. Turned my back, and said I was never coming back. Ran away both figuratively and literally. I only came back home when I saw how shattered my family was...something inside of me said "Look at how much they're hurting...imagine how much your Father is hurting." Where did that come from? I had left God in the dust...I didn't believe in Him really. I mean, the instinctual want to have something to believe in was there, I knew who God was, but as far as wanting to serve Him...I didn't. As far as wanting to believe in Him, I wanted no part. Well, obviously that's all changed. I still struggled with wanting to believe in Him after I came home, but eventually, He proved Himself in so many ways to be real, I couldn't deny Him. Oh, the dangers of asking the simple question "why". OK, this really got off topic...gimme a break though...it's 2:39 AM. I can't have all my thoughts completely straight now.
But anywho...as I was dozing off to sleep, I started to think about the current situations...my family, etc. and how I started to ask "why" once more. Right after I stopped asking "why" I started again! Gah! But you know what? I've finally come to stop. I don't even want "why?" to be a part of my vocabulary. Ha. I've stopped because I've come to trust God in what He's doing. He knows what's best, what He's doing; He knows how this all is going to turn out; and He has a reason for this--even though I definitely can't see it. Maybe it's just another one of life's trials I have to go throw to just learn and grow.
This is one long rambling. I will end now.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Realization.
Tonight at the Gathering it was spoken by someone that God uses the times of loneliness in our lives as a want to draw us closer to Him. That resonates with me greatly. So many times I feel alone...so many times I have temptation to have those in my life that shouldn't be there, just so I won't feel so lonesome.
I really need to get this in my head...I'm not alone...He is with me. I just need to seek Him out, spend the time of loneliness with Him instead of acting in a "woe is me" attitude. You think I would've gotten it after I was told that God wants me to know I'm never alone, He's with me and wants me to be with Him in those times I feel lonely, that amazing night in Mexico. Or after I've talked with those I look up to and they've told me that God wants me to draw closer to Him in my loneliness. This is hitting me heavy right now. I don't necessarily feel lonely, like "Oh, no one hangs out with me," (although that does happen), but a lot of "I'm going through this right now...no one is beside me." That is a lie. There are so many people that have my back...given me an encouraging word about those situations, lifted me up in prayer. I think the Enemy has really found one of my weakest points and is trying to wear me down in it. I can't let him do that. I won't. I'm not going to say that and be inactive in that. No sir. I say this with intent, as one who is going to actively say a loud NO! to the devil and a silent yes to God, knowing He will hear and help me.
That was totally not what I got on here to write about.
I was actually going to write about how I feel hypocritical about a few things, and how I'm slowly getting rid of the hypocrisy I spew, but instead am trying to follow what I've told others. Practice what I preach. I guess what was truly on my heart came out instead.
I really need to get this in my head...I'm not alone...He is with me. I just need to seek Him out, spend the time of loneliness with Him instead of acting in a "woe is me" attitude. You think I would've gotten it after I was told that God wants me to know I'm never alone, He's with me and wants me to be with Him in those times I feel lonely, that amazing night in Mexico. Or after I've talked with those I look up to and they've told me that God wants me to draw closer to Him in my loneliness. This is hitting me heavy right now. I don't necessarily feel lonely, like "Oh, no one hangs out with me," (although that does happen), but a lot of "I'm going through this right now...no one is beside me." That is a lie. There are so many people that have my back...given me an encouraging word about those situations, lifted me up in prayer. I think the Enemy has really found one of my weakest points and is trying to wear me down in it. I can't let him do that. I won't. I'm not going to say that and be inactive in that. No sir. I say this with intent, as one who is going to actively say a loud NO! to the devil and a silent yes to God, knowing He will hear and help me.
That was totally not what I got on here to write about.
I was actually going to write about how I feel hypocritical about a few things, and how I'm slowly getting rid of the hypocrisy I spew, but instead am trying to follow what I've told others. Practice what I preach. I guess what was truly on my heart came out instead.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Desire for Truth.
David once prayed, "You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart."
I can only plead with God that He will help me desire truth in my inner being, to live in such a way that I'm as honest and open with Him as I can become.
I know that the life He honors is the life He blesses.
I can only plead with God that He will help me desire truth in my inner being, to live in such a way that I'm as honest and open with Him as I can become.
I know that the life He honors is the life He blesses.
Leaving it behind.
My day, my week, my month...
Thinking how I want to send this to someone that wounded my soul so much...and how when they last saw me, they saw a jaded kid, one they made that way. But how forgiveness has set in my heart...truly set in.
So, I leave this here, knowing they will not see this, knowing I have tried telling this person this before, and that someday, they shall know...I just hope the forgiveness I seek for my bitterness will lead them to ask for forgiveness for what they did.
It is still good.
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was
I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
Thinkin' it's a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write above love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was
I was thinkin' maybe
I should let you know
That I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello...
And the thing I find most amazing
Is amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...
Thinking how I want to send this to someone that wounded my soul so much...and how when they last saw me, they saw a jaded kid, one they made that way. But how forgiveness has set in my heart...truly set in.
So, I leave this here, knowing they will not see this, knowing I have tried telling this person this before, and that someday, they shall know...I just hope the forgiveness I seek for my bitterness will lead them to ask for forgiveness for what they did.
It is still good.
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was
I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
Thinkin' it's a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write above love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was
I was thinkin' maybe
I should let you know
That I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello...
And the thing I find most amazing
Is amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Perseverance...
First, I'd like to thank Bri for inspiring me to start blogging again. Since Xanga is so last year...BlogSpot! Now on with my thoughts...
What the Lord has been speaking to me about a lot lately is perseverance; having more of that in my life. There's one thing that's holding me back from being closer to Him...something I have no control over. I know it's something I need to trust Him with, and have some perseverance in.
Defined, perseverance means
1) steady persistance in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2) Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.
We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling short-changed. Quite the contrary -- we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
--Romans 5:3-5 (The Message)
Let us run with endurance the race that God has set out before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross beause of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of the highest honor beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all the things he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up.
--Hebrews 12:1-3 (NLT)
For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
--2 Corinthians 4:17-18
These have been only a few of the verses I've read that God has been using to speak to me about perseverance. Granted, Paul's intentions in writing them were for the persecuted church, but I'm quite sure they can be applied to the things I'm going through right now. I get some persecution of my faith thrown in there from my brother in there as well....
Anyways, I'm just learning, slowly, to never give up. I've given up way too many times. Walked away from God and said I'm not coming back. Or tried to drown out the situation with things that left me more empty...running away from home, drugs, alcohol, smoking, suicide attempts, cutting. I was trying to find an easy way out...trying to find a way to escape the situation, and not have to go through it. I'm done with that. I'm sticking in there, not going to walk away or drown out the situation. Instead, I'm going to seek God and ask Him to help me persevere, for He has a reason for this, and soon this season of my life will be over, and a new one shall begin.
God, help me to trust You in this time of hardships. Give me the strength to make it through. May You strengthen me in this time, and may I see the beauty that will come out of all it.
Lord, please turn my despair into desperation for You!
What the Lord has been speaking to me about a lot lately is perseverance; having more of that in my life. There's one thing that's holding me back from being closer to Him...something I have no control over. I know it's something I need to trust Him with, and have some perseverance in.
Defined, perseverance means
1) steady persistance in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2) Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.
We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling short-changed. Quite the contrary -- we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
--Romans 5:3-5 (The Message)
Let us run with endurance the race that God has set out before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross beause of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of the highest honor beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all the things he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up.
--Hebrews 12:1-3 (NLT)
For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
--2 Corinthians 4:17-18
These have been only a few of the verses I've read that God has been using to speak to me about perseverance. Granted, Paul's intentions in writing them were for the persecuted church, but I'm quite sure they can be applied to the things I'm going through right now. I get some persecution of my faith thrown in there from my brother in there as well....
Anyways, I'm just learning, slowly, to never give up. I've given up way too many times. Walked away from God and said I'm not coming back. Or tried to drown out the situation with things that left me more empty...running away from home, drugs, alcohol, smoking, suicide attempts, cutting. I was trying to find an easy way out...trying to find a way to escape the situation, and not have to go through it. I'm done with that. I'm sticking in there, not going to walk away or drown out the situation. Instead, I'm going to seek God and ask Him to help me persevere, for He has a reason for this, and soon this season of my life will be over, and a new one shall begin.
God, help me to trust You in this time of hardships. Give me the strength to make it through. May You strengthen me in this time, and may I see the beauty that will come out of all it.
Lord, please turn my despair into desperation for You!
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