why mentality.

Since, I'm no longer able to sleep...ha. What I was thinking about when I was going to bed was questioning God. Thinking about how we're always asking Him, "Why?" does this happen, "Why?" does that happen in life's hardest times, instead of trusting whatever He has for us.
I am one who is guilty of often doing this.
I asked God "Why?" for 7 long years about one incident. Yes, just one incident. "God, why did you allow that person to hurt me so much? Why are you such a jerk like that, allowing kids to go through such things? Why did it happen to me?" Those sort of "why" questions oft ran through my mind as the searing pain of remembrance of things past--sexual abuse, and the things to follow, raced through my head. I asked "why?" so much during those 7 years and never got an answer. Perhaps I wasn't listening. In fact I know I wasn't. Anyways, since I never got an answer, since I felt so used up at this, I gave up on God. Turned my back, and said I was never coming back. Ran away both figuratively and literally. I only came back home when I saw how shattered my family was...something inside of me said "Look at how much they're hurting...imagine how much your Father is hurting." Where did that come from? I had left God in the dust...I didn't believe in Him really. I mean, the instinctual want to have something to believe in was there, I knew who God was, but as far as wanting to serve Him...I didn't. As far as wanting to believe in Him, I wanted no part. Well, obviously that's all changed. I still struggled with wanting to believe in Him after I came home, but eventually, He proved Himself in so many ways to be real, I couldn't deny Him. Oh, the dangers of asking the simple question "why". OK, this really got off topic...gimme a break though...it's 2:39 AM. I can't have all my thoughts completely straight now.
But anywho...as I was dozing off to sleep, I started to think about the current situations...my family, etc. and how I started to ask "why" once more. Right after I stopped asking "why" I started again! Gah! But you know what? I've finally come to stop. I don't even want "why?" to be a part of my vocabulary. Ha. I've stopped because I've come to trust God in what He's doing. He knows what's best, what He's doing; He knows how this all is going to turn out; and He has a reason for this--even though I definitely can't see it. Maybe it's just another one of life's trials I have to go throw to just learn and grow.
This is one long rambling. I will end now.