It seems like the feeling of defeat has overwhelmed my successes I've had.
I feel so kicked down and out. Everything matters, yet at the same time it doesn't. Everything just hurts too much.
I don't know why it hurts so bad.
I don't know why I feel this way.
Yes, there's a billion things going on, but why am I not strong?
I've been through this so many times before, but I've been either way worse than this, or way better.
Oddly enough, I'd rather be way worse, than this inbetween state. I just feel stuck.
The only person who can pull me out is me...and so far...no strides.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Tired and Uninspired
I've lost my flame. There's nothing near to spark me.
I can't grasp it to be honest. I try, but the things of the world grab a hold of me.
Why does it have to be so hard? To live for God that is...
I want to be different. I want them to see Him in me.
I know some see that, because at school I get voted "Most likely to be a Sunday school teacher" or stuff like that. But that doesn't mean much to me.
I want to make a DIFFERENCE.
And maybe I have been.
Like in kids' lives at youth group...I feel like I don't do enough for them, but sometimes all you can do is talk to them, give them advice you hope is good, and pray.
I just feel burnt out. I feel like I'm getting nothing back.
I just need some source of encouragement in my life.
I need to look to God for things of this nature, I know.
But it's so easy when you get peoples approval. And that blows.
Why can't I just be satisfied with who God says I am?
With how God sees me?
I have the heart, I have passion--which is still intact, maybe just a little faded.
I just need to lay it down...these secrets I keep holding onto...the desires, the fear, the contentment. And maybe while I'm there, laying those things down at His feet, I'll stay there for a while...spend some time with my Father and praise Him for much He's done for me. I haven't done that for a while.
Sounds like a good plan.
Surrender is a daily thing. Not a once in a lifetime deal.
May it be a part of my everyday life from now on!
I can't grasp it to be honest. I try, but the things of the world grab a hold of me.
Why does it have to be so hard? To live for God that is...
I want to be different. I want them to see Him in me.
I know some see that, because at school I get voted "Most likely to be a Sunday school teacher" or stuff like that. But that doesn't mean much to me.
I want to make a DIFFERENCE.
And maybe I have been.
Like in kids' lives at youth group...I feel like I don't do enough for them, but sometimes all you can do is talk to them, give them advice you hope is good, and pray.
I just feel burnt out. I feel like I'm getting nothing back.
I just need some source of encouragement in my life.
I need to look to God for things of this nature, I know.
But it's so easy when you get peoples approval. And that blows.
Why can't I just be satisfied with who God says I am?
With how God sees me?
I have the heart, I have passion--which is still intact, maybe just a little faded.
I just need to lay it down...these secrets I keep holding onto...the desires, the fear, the contentment. And maybe while I'm there, laying those things down at His feet, I'll stay there for a while...spend some time with my Father and praise Him for much He's done for me. I haven't done that for a while.
Sounds like a good plan.
Surrender is a daily thing. Not a once in a lifetime deal.
May it be a part of my everyday life from now on!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I love sleep
I stayed up until 5 AM this morning. Needless to say, I missed another day of school. I haven't been there in so long I'm beginning to forget what it feels like. I have to go tomorrow, and after school have a meeting with the 2 teachers I have, the special ed. teacher, my dad, and I'm not sure who else.
Moving along...
The reason I didn't get to bed until 5? Well, besides my killer stomachache and hacking up a storm, it's because of a nightmare. Yes, a nightmare.
I had taken a nap in the afternoon, and had a terrible nightmare. I don't remember what happened in the nightmare, or who was in it besides myself. I just remember trying to wake up from it.
I hated whatever was going on so much, I tried waking myself up but was too paralyzed with fear. I tried to move, but couldn't. The most I could manage was to twitch my head. I heard my dad talking, because he was in the same room as I was. (I took a nap on the couch, and he was sitting in one of the chairs). I heard his voice, so I tried calling out for help, but nothing managed to come out. This went on for 15 minutes, and I was finally able to shake loose, breathe easy, and wake up.
(so, yes, this all happened NOT in my dream).
It made me think today of the parallels in other parts of my life. How sometimes I'm trying to run away from bad things, call out to my Father, and nothing comes out. It takes forever, and then I become paralyzed by fear.
I'm not sure if that really made sense, but yeah...that's about it, I guess.
Moving along...
The reason I didn't get to bed until 5? Well, besides my killer stomachache and hacking up a storm, it's because of a nightmare. Yes, a nightmare.
I had taken a nap in the afternoon, and had a terrible nightmare. I don't remember what happened in the nightmare, or who was in it besides myself. I just remember trying to wake up from it.
I hated whatever was going on so much, I tried waking myself up but was too paralyzed with fear. I tried to move, but couldn't. The most I could manage was to twitch my head. I heard my dad talking, because he was in the same room as I was. (I took a nap on the couch, and he was sitting in one of the chairs). I heard his voice, so I tried calling out for help, but nothing managed to come out. This went on for 15 minutes, and I was finally able to shake loose, breathe easy, and wake up.
(so, yes, this all happened NOT in my dream).
It made me think today of the parallels in other parts of my life. How sometimes I'm trying to run away from bad things, call out to my Father, and nothing comes out. It takes forever, and then I become paralyzed by fear.
I'm not sure if that really made sense, but yeah...that's about it, I guess.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Disconnected
Lately, I've just been soooo disconnected with people!
It's quite odd...more disconnected than usual.
I'm not really trying to make an effort to connect with them, but they aren't connecting with me.
I dunno. I guess it's kinda giving me a perspective on who really wants to be there for me, when able. It's odd...people I never expected to be there, are. More like...person...heh. More people I've never met are there for me than those I know well. I think I was most surprised by the card I got in the mail this week that gave me the encouragement I needed most. I must admit I was surprised by the person I received it from. They have been a great encouragement in my life, but...I don't know how to explain this.
I'm just sick of being disconnected. I don't want to be. I just don't know how to reconnect again.
It's quite odd...more disconnected than usual.
I'm not really trying to make an effort to connect with them, but they aren't connecting with me.
I dunno. I guess it's kinda giving me a perspective on who really wants to be there for me, when able. It's odd...people I never expected to be there, are. More like...person...heh. More people I've never met are there for me than those I know well. I think I was most surprised by the card I got in the mail this week that gave me the encouragement I needed most. I must admit I was surprised by the person I received it from. They have been a great encouragement in my life, but...I don't know how to explain this.
I'm just sick of being disconnected. I don't want to be. I just don't know how to reconnect again.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
The song on my heart and mind
Forgive Me--
Behind the Song:
"This song was birthed after a deep time of prayer in which we discovered the need for understanding how God viewed us in the light of his forgiveness. So many times as humans we like to place humanistic qualities on God simply because we can’t comprehend how He can love such unlovable creatures…and yet He still does. This song gives every listener the courage to believe that with God, it’s never too late to be forgiven. When you embrace this grace He’s made available to us, there’s nothing you ever need to fear. No valley in your life is permanent…" - Group 1 Crew
I know that's a concept hard for me to grasp. It's like I live too cautiously, fearful I may do something that will hurt God. Or, I'll live too on the edge, doing everything wrong having my justification being "God will forgive me." Sometimes I get stuck and wonder why He ever should forgive me, and forget as well.
This is one thing I don't think I'll ever grasp: His mercy, His grace. But it is the most beautiful thing I've known in my life.
Behind the Song:
"This song was birthed after a deep time of prayer in which we discovered the need for understanding how God viewed us in the light of his forgiveness. So many times as humans we like to place humanistic qualities on God simply because we can’t comprehend how He can love such unlovable creatures…and yet He still does. This song gives every listener the courage to believe that with God, it’s never too late to be forgiven. When you embrace this grace He’s made available to us, there’s nothing you ever need to fear. No valley in your life is permanent…" - Group 1 Crew
I know that's a concept hard for me to grasp. It's like I live too cautiously, fearful I may do something that will hurt God. Or, I'll live too on the edge, doing everything wrong having my justification being "God will forgive me." Sometimes I get stuck and wonder why He ever should forgive me, and forget as well.
This is one thing I don't think I'll ever grasp: His mercy, His grace. But it is the most beautiful thing I've known in my life.
Monday, October 22, 2007
One More Round
Don't worry...Beka Hardt is still alive. We did box though.
I bought a pair of boxing gloves at the Thousand Foot Krutch/BarlowGirl/TobyMac concert. They say "BarlowGirl" on the right glove and "One More Round" on the left glove.
I got them signed, and as the lovely ladies in BarlowGirl were signing them, Becca and Alyssa Barlow decided to catch up on life with me. We hadn't seen each other for a year, but still had communicated in that time. I said life was interesting. Neither liked the sound of it, and Becca started saying "But Laura, you were doing so good..." Alyssa cut her off...we talked about being in one of those seasons. She bared her soul for a while with me, and told me how she too is in a season like that.
After some much needed encouragement, those boxing gloves had a new meaning. Alyssa told me she has a pair just like 'em She looks at them whenever she starts to feel defeated...and they help remind her to not give up, to keep fighting, that we really are in a battle. She told me she's glad I got the gloves, for they can be a symbolic thing like that. She wants me to do the same...to look at them and think those things, to use them as a tool.
You see, I haven't been alright 100% of the time. No one is, I realize that. But...yeah.I feel like I can't show my weaknesses or struggles to others anymore. I feel like I can't be weak. A part of me is wanting to cave in and give up. Things are hard...family, friends, school, temptations all around. I've been staying strong, but my fight...isn't what it should be. I haven't fell into a state of apathy, for I hate where I'm at. It's like I'm trying to move forward, but I feel stuck. Alyssa shared how she's in that season as well. We are both fighting for one another during our season of this.
I pray this will pass, and believe it will. I know I'm not giving it all in my fight. But when I have been getting knocked down, I'm glad to say I'm getting up again...not staying down like I used to.
Makes me think of my favorite song right now..."One More Round" by BarlowGirl. It's about boxing...ha...about how life is a spiritual warfare, but they put it in a boxing sense. They wrote it after a preacher spoke on the subject. Definitely worth the listen.
Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breath
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring
I may be knocked down and bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
But I now that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I wont reach the end
I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round ill just keep fighting one more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it
I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope in believing
God is for me who can take me down?
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging one more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gunna lose it here
Monday, October 1, 2007
I can't get no satisfaction...
I thought I'd be more satisfied with Brian moving. Happier. I'm not.
It feels the same. Maybe it's just because it's been the first day, and I need to give it time. However, a part of me wonders if it'll just always feel this way. No doubt the things he did was wrong, but a part of me wonders if something is wrong with me. If I'm not striving for God enough. If I'm doing my part, pulling my weight, trying, etc. If I'm not getting enough God in my life...(that in itself is impossible though). But...I'm not sure. I know I'm trying with everything inside of me to fix the defects that I have. I know I can't do it in my own strength, that's for sure. I really hate this wondering...mm...another thing I should rid myself of...?
I just hate that Brian has no support in this. All of his "friends" are nowhere to be found. Honestly. As my dad says, they're "like farts in a windstorm." Sometimes I wonder about my dad's little analogies.
I'm stupid if I say I don't have support...it's just, I don't feel it. Just because you don't feel something, doesn't mean it's there, right? I mean--I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, I believe in love even when I don't feel it, and I believe in God even when He is silent. (OK...just jacked that from a song)
I'm not sure what I'm wanting these days. Or if anything will satisfy me. (OK...I know, I know...Jesus satisfies...got that one down bud)
Sorry my blogs aren't so articulate and planned. I'm not one who sits out and writes them before-hand, or edits them until perfection is reached. I'm just writing off the top of my mind...and it's quite random up there. :)
It feels the same. Maybe it's just because it's been the first day, and I need to give it time. However, a part of me wonders if it'll just always feel this way. No doubt the things he did was wrong, but a part of me wonders if something is wrong with me. If I'm not striving for God enough. If I'm doing my part, pulling my weight, trying, etc. If I'm not getting enough God in my life...(that in itself is impossible though). But...I'm not sure. I know I'm trying with everything inside of me to fix the defects that I have. I know I can't do it in my own strength, that's for sure. I really hate this wondering...mm...another thing I should rid myself of...?
I just hate that Brian has no support in this. All of his "friends" are nowhere to be found. Honestly. As my dad says, they're "like farts in a windstorm." Sometimes I wonder about my dad's little analogies.
I'm stupid if I say I don't have support...it's just, I don't feel it. Just because you don't feel something, doesn't mean it's there, right? I mean--I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, I believe in love even when I don't feel it, and I believe in God even when He is silent. (OK...just jacked that from a song)
I'm not sure what I'm wanting these days. Or if anything will satisfy me. (OK...I know, I know...Jesus satisfies...got that one down bud)
Sorry my blogs aren't so articulate and planned. I'm not one who sits out and writes them before-hand, or edits them until perfection is reached. I'm just writing off the top of my mind...and it's quite random up there. :)
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