Strive.

I'm having a hard time grasping so many concepts in life. So many areas of life. I try to see the beauty of certain things, the good that is to come, but all I see is pain. And I'm sick of it. I don't know how to go beyond it at times, know what I mean?
I feel like I'm living life alone. Just pushed out naked into a world that doesn't care. And it truly doesn't. Everyone looks out for number one, and doesn't take time out for the little people.
I take time out for the "little people" and get nothing back. I don't expect anything from them, but now and then, just every once in a while, to get something, to get filled up, would be great.
To fill not so dry.
To be not just some empty shell.
I want to feel alive, be alive. LIVE.
Right now, it's just nothing. Like I am nothing to people. Like nothing to the contribution to mankind as a whole.
I don't need an ego stroke. A pat on the back. Nothing like that. Just someone, a person to come up beside me and be there would be nice. Make sense?
I will keep trying. I will keep pushing forward. But, I need to kick so many of these thinking habits aside.
I don't know how I'll do it by myself. Yes, I've got God with me, but sometimes that's still hard. Talking to someone you can't see. Someone that doesn't always answer (or so you don't think)...
I'll figure it out somehow.

If you catch this...

Let's go to Canada...I want to be where yaks can run free!


I hate feelings, and how much of an influence they have on you. I don't feel like this could go well, so I might as well skip the whole thing. That was rather vague, but you get the concept. We've all been there. I want to skip where I'm at. The part of waiting, wondering, if things are going anywhere. Just skip to the part of knowing...is all of this supposed to be something? Or is this as far as it goes? Why must I be so vague! Well, I guess I just feel like it. =P That, and some of you don't deserve to know things. Some of this applies to many areas of my life. But I think mostly I'm just speaking to one specific part at the moment.
I feel like I can't be 100% honest with most people at the time. And the people I wish to be 100% honest with I just goof off with in conversations with. There's only one person I am truly honest with, and well, he's a guy. Heh. But still, I can't spit that out to him. So, guess I'm not really 100% honest with him either, eh?
If the world was just straight-forward.
Didn't rely on feelings.
Didn't care about feelings.
What would that be like? I wonder sometimes.
Would that be easier, or would that just be more hurt?
I hate sometimes when I overthink things. I think it's one of my flaws. My brain goes spastic and becomes way too overactive. I overanalyze. Or I don't think about things not enough. I don't about things rationally. It keeps me up at night a lot.
I find my solace for that really nowhere. Just pick apart the thoughts one by one until I can try and get down to a few thoughts, and try not to worry about them. They still come up in my sleep, in my dreams. It's the strangest thing!

Brian is showing me a giant block of cheese. My stomach is now aching. AH! DAIRY!
I shall depart on that vomit inducing note.

Treaty.

(look, they're hugging!)

cheyenneclark: SEE, that's my problem with french people
cheyenneclark: the franch idian war???
cheyenneclark: ;P
lauraleedepeel: let us make peace
cheyenneclark: yes, for our whole generation!
cheyenneclark: we shall be the bearers of the peacful meadows
lauraleedepeel: amen sista!
cheyenneclark: (I have NO idea what that meant.....)
cheyenneclark: lol
lauraleedepeel: me neither, I thought I'd just go with it
cheyenneclark: okay
cheyenneclark: that can be in our treaty then

It's OK for people who are part French and part Native American to be friends now. Rejoice streets! Break forth with song!

(I've had a very slow day)

A 4 AM post.

It is late and I am beat, but I just got back from "painting" at the church (this consisted of me sitting and talking on the phone to Erika and Elijah), staying around church for longer than necessary, finding interesting things at Wal-Mart and getting a new wardrobe for Elijah's stint at Sonshine (had to be hXc stuff), and just sitting at a random park talking about deep, awkward and random things like we always do.

I think I'm getting a sweet new phone today. Razrs suck. I've had 2 Razrs, and my experiences with them have not been good. Boo! I don't remember the name of this phone. I just remember it is sweet...and turquoise.

In very awkward news, I got a condom in the mail yesterday. It was sent from YoungAmerica. I would like to know who is playing this joke on me. I find it somewhat funny...but it's embarassing when my parents ask what came in the package and I have to respond with that.

Chey--you still need to add me back on Yahoo, or we need to fix that. Yes, I just called you out on my blog young lady! So all 3 people who view this (do I even get that many?) will know this. Don't make me pull out your full name!

Remember to recycle. Reduce your waste. And let God be your JOY. :)

Birthdays and concerts.

It's my sister Heidi's 33rd birthday today. Happy birthday Heidi! (although I don't think she reads this)
In case she ever does---I ate the rest of the birthday cake Bonnie made. She said we could have it. I think it made me sick though. NOT WORTH IT! I need to get back on my diet, yo. I've lost 20 lbs. Chyeah! Rub that in the faces of people who thought I wasn't gonna make it, OK?

Carissa is taking Brian and I to a BarlowGirl concert in Wisconsin...a day after I get back from Mexico. I only mention this right now because she's soooo excited about it, and keeps calling me about either being super excited, getting a room in Siren that night, when we're going to leave, how she's already printed out directions to Siren, etc. She's never seen BG live. This could be crazy. I might go stand in the crowd by myself, or by others I know there if there are any.
I think my chances of going to Sonshine are getting diminished, because my bank account is getting diminished (well, not really)...I just need to stop spending. I keep spending when I don't need to be. Shirts I don't need, music, kombucha (OK, needed, but less), and movies. Ay. All people in Roch want to do is go see movies. In the course of 6 days I saw 4 movies: Wall-E, Wanted, Kit Kittredge, and Hancock. I find it kind've funny that I thought Kit Kittredge was the best out of those 4 movies. Anywho, I need to be saving for MX since I haven't paid for all of it and need money for when we get to shop there, and for college. College should be free, in my mind. =P

Edit: SCRATCH everything I said about the BarlowGirl concert. I have the most UNRELIABLE friends. And I'm officially pissed.

I need to add: A commercial just came on that said Puddle of Mudd was coming to Rochester. How lame. Why can't we get good bands? The last decent concert I went to at the Civic Center was MercyMe. I'm going to be gone when Decyfer Down is here on the 20th. Sad...

Getting back on track.

If I coast into weird stuff during this blog, it's because I'm trying to watch 'Be Kind, Rewind' while writing this...

I've decided I should blog more. Well, others have helped me make that decision.

Anywho, things lately have been interesting. Picking up pace. It seems like I'm either out doing something until 1-3 AM, or out of town. In fact, I'll be going to my good ol' hometown of Michigan City, IN, in a week and a half. :)

One thing I can say is I definitely need to be relying on God more. And stop worrying about what others think about me. Lately, the littlest things will set stuff off in my mind. Like, friends will do things that I think make me such a low, low option in their book, and I go "Oh, guess I'm not worth much, eh?" (everything I want to write isn't translating over well, I feel...) I totally know better though.

It's also dawned upon me that it's time I lived in the real world. High school's been over. College is upon me. And I don't know what I want to do. I have no job, except for the work I do online for my dad that does get me a fair amount of money. Annnd, the thing everyone likes to bug me about, I have no license. (I do have my last driving hour on the 30th...then I can take the test...so--pray that I pass that sucker) I feel lame for being 20 (wooo...August 28th, celebrate my birthday for me!) and that I have so little accomplished that matters to people in the real world. I've overcome a lot in my life, and in the "real world" that doesn't matter to many. Everything I've said I'd like to do with my life, people say is too impossible...reasoning mainly that since I dropped out of high school once (decision bred from high levels of anxiety), and that I couldn't make it through the extra schooling I'd have to go through.
I feel so old for just turning 20. Life has worn me out. I've let it wear me out. I refuse to let that happen anymore though. I'm going for things head-on. Watch out for me. I tell you...watch out for me.

I think I would like to write a book. Stories from life. About the people I know. That's very random, but true. And maybe you, the person reading this, maybe I'd like to write about you.

Mexico is soon...so soon. It's gonna be sweet. To see that love has no language, has no bounds.
To be humbled like crazy. To have God move like crazy. I can't wait to see the kids again, the staff. To bless them and be blessed by them.
And maybe I'll get to conquer that 'mountain' again. ;-)

<3,
Laura, LD, Leezer, LDePeel, etc.

Slamburger?

I haven't blogged in a while, but...life is so mundane. So it's not like I've been out doing great, exciting things to write about.
This is how I feel about life at the moment--it is confusing, a tad cruel, and kinda ridiculous.
I haven't been up to a whole lot either...hanging out with friends when they decide to be around, staying up late and sleeping in, selling stuff online for my dad and getting the profits, and that's it. That is my boring, repetitive life.
Music is my escape at this moment from current pains; ones I refuse to speak of, so don't try me.
I'm off to see if my indecisive friend really wants to hang out or not...
Let's hope I decide to post a normal blog soon. :)