One More Round

Don't worry...Beka Hardt is still alive. We did box though.

I bought a pair of boxing gloves at the Thousand Foot Krutch/BarlowGirl/TobyMac concert. They say "BarlowGirl" on the right glove and "One More Round" on the left glove.
I got them signed, and as the lovely ladies in BarlowGirl were signing them, Becca and Alyssa Barlow decided to catch up on life with me. We hadn't seen each other for a year, but still had communicated in that time. I said life was interesting. Neither liked the sound of it, and Becca started saying "But Laura, you were doing so good..." Alyssa cut her off...we talked about being in one of those seasons. She bared her soul for a while with me, and told me how she too is in a season like that.
After some much needed encouragement, those boxing gloves had a new meaning. Alyssa told me she has a pair just like 'em She looks at them whenever she starts to feel defeated...and they help remind her to not give up, to keep fighting, that we really are in a battle. She told me she's glad I got the gloves, for they can be a symbolic thing like that. She wants me to do the same...to look at them and think those things, to use them as a tool.
You see, I haven't been alright 100% of the time. No one is, I realize that. But...yeah.I feel like I can't show my weaknesses or struggles to others anymore. I feel like I can't be weak. A part of me is wanting to cave in and give up. Things are hard...family, friends, school, temptations all around. I've been staying strong, but my fight...isn't what it should be. I haven't fell into a state of apathy, for I hate where I'm at. It's like I'm trying to move forward, but I feel stuck. Alyssa shared how she's in that season as well. We are both fighting for one another during our season of this.
I pray this will pass, and believe it will. I know I'm not giving it all in my fight. But when I have been getting knocked down, I'm glad to say I'm getting up again...not staying down like I used to.


Makes me think of my favorite song right now..."One More Round" by BarlowGirl. It's about boxing...ha...about how life is a spiritual warfare, but they put it in a boxing sense. They wrote it after a preacher spoke on the subject. Definitely worth the listen.

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breath
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring

I may be knocked down and bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here

One more round I'll come out swinging
But I now that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I wont reach the end

I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round ill just keep fighting one more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging
One more round

I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it
I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope in believing
God is for me who can take me down?
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting

One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging one more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gunna lose it here

I can't get no satisfaction...

I thought I'd be more satisfied with Brian moving. Happier. I'm not.
It feels the same. Maybe it's just because it's been the first day, and I need to give it time. However, a part of me wonders if it'll just always feel this way. No doubt the things he did was wrong, but a part of me wonders if something is wrong with me. If I'm not striving for God enough. If I'm doing my part, pulling my weight, trying, etc. If I'm not getting enough God in my life...(that in itself is impossible though). But...I'm not sure. I know I'm trying with everything inside of me to fix the defects that I have. I know I can't do it in my own strength, that's for sure. I really hate this wondering...mm...another thing I should rid myself of...?
I just hate that Brian has no support in this. All of his "friends" are nowhere to be found. Honestly. As my dad says, they're "like farts in a windstorm." Sometimes I wonder about my dad's little analogies.
I'm stupid if I say I don't have support...it's just, I don't feel it. Just because you don't feel something, doesn't mean it's there, right? I mean--I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, I believe in love even when I don't feel it, and I believe in God even when He is silent. (OK...just jacked that from a song)
I'm not sure what I'm wanting these days. Or if anything will satisfy me. (OK...I know, I know...Jesus satisfies...got that one down bud)

Sorry my blogs aren't so articulate and planned. I'm not one who sits out and writes them before-hand, or edits them until perfection is reached. I'm just writing off the top of my mind...and it's quite random up there. :)

mmhmm

I believe "Psalm 1" is my new favorite song...

I wanna be unmovable, unshakeable
Let my roots go down deep
Unmovable, unshakeable in You


And I, I wanna be like a tree
Planted by the streams of living water

Random...?

I feel as if I should write something, but honestly, what?
I feel sick lately. Tired all the time, sick almost everytime I eat, constant headaches...I need to get checked out or something.
I'm trying to decide if I like where I'm at in life. I want to say yes, because I'm happy...I'm drawing closer to God...etc.
But no...because I'm not putting all I am able into living for God. I need to find out what's holding me back still, because I have no idea what it could be, honestly.
I refuse to fall into complacency.

Zero.

why mentality.

Since, I'm no longer able to sleep...ha. What I was thinking about when I was going to bed was questioning God. Thinking about how we're always asking Him, "Why?" does this happen, "Why?" does that happen in life's hardest times, instead of trusting whatever He has for us.
I am one who is guilty of often doing this.
I asked God "Why?" for 7 long years about one incident. Yes, just one incident. "God, why did you allow that person to hurt me so much? Why are you such a jerk like that, allowing kids to go through such things? Why did it happen to me?" Those sort of "why" questions oft ran through my mind as the searing pain of remembrance of things past--sexual abuse, and the things to follow, raced through my head. I asked "why?" so much during those 7 years and never got an answer. Perhaps I wasn't listening. In fact I know I wasn't. Anyways, since I never got an answer, since I felt so used up at this, I gave up on God. Turned my back, and said I was never coming back. Ran away both figuratively and literally. I only came back home when I saw how shattered my family was...something inside of me said "Look at how much they're hurting...imagine how much your Father is hurting." Where did that come from? I had left God in the dust...I didn't believe in Him really. I mean, the instinctual want to have something to believe in was there, I knew who God was, but as far as wanting to serve Him...I didn't. As far as wanting to believe in Him, I wanted no part. Well, obviously that's all changed. I still struggled with wanting to believe in Him after I came home, but eventually, He proved Himself in so many ways to be real, I couldn't deny Him. Oh, the dangers of asking the simple question "why". OK, this really got off topic...gimme a break though...it's 2:39 AM. I can't have all my thoughts completely straight now.
But anywho...as I was dozing off to sleep, I started to think about the current situations...my family, etc. and how I started to ask "why" once more. Right after I stopped asking "why" I started again! Gah! But you know what? I've finally come to stop. I don't even want "why?" to be a part of my vocabulary. Ha. I've stopped because I've come to trust God in what He's doing. He knows what's best, what He's doing; He knows how this all is going to turn out; and He has a reason for this--even though I definitely can't see it. Maybe it's just another one of life's trials I have to go throw to just learn and grow.
This is one long rambling. I will end now.

Realization.

Tonight at the Gathering it was spoken by someone that God uses the times of loneliness in our lives as a want to draw us closer to Him. That resonates with me greatly. So many times I feel alone...so many times I have temptation to have those in my life that shouldn't be there, just so I won't feel so lonesome.
I really need to get this in my head...I'm not alone...He is with me. I just need to seek Him out, spend the time of loneliness with Him instead of acting in a "woe is me" attitude. You think I would've gotten it after I was told that God wants me to know I'm never alone, He's with me and wants me to be with Him in those times I feel lonely, that amazing night in Mexico. Or after I've talked with those I look up to and they've told me that God wants me to draw closer to Him in my loneliness. This is hitting me heavy right now. I don't necessarily feel lonely, like "Oh, no one hangs out with me," (although that does happen), but a lot of "I'm going through this right now...no one is beside me." That is a lie. There are so many people that have my back...given me an encouraging word about those situations, lifted me up in prayer. I think the Enemy has really found one of my weakest points and is trying to wear me down in it. I can't let him do that. I won't. I'm not going to say that and be inactive in that. No sir. I say this with intent, as one who is going to actively say a loud NO! to the devil and a silent yes to God, knowing He will hear and help me.

That was totally not what I got on here to write about.
I was actually going to write about how I feel hypocritical about a few things, and how I'm slowly getting rid of the hypocrisy I spew, but instead am trying to follow what I've told others. Practice what I preach. I guess what was truly on my heart came out instead.