I thought I'd be more satisfied with Brian moving. Happier. I'm not.
It feels the same. Maybe it's just because it's been the first day, and I need to give it time. However, a part of me wonders if it'll just always feel this way. No doubt the things he did was wrong, but a part of me wonders if something is wrong with me. If I'm not striving for God enough. If I'm doing my part, pulling my weight, trying, etc. If I'm not getting enough God in my life...(that in itself is impossible though). But...I'm not sure. I know I'm trying with everything inside of me to fix the defects that I have. I know I can't do it in my own strength, that's for sure. I really hate this wondering...mm...another thing I should rid myself of...?
I just hate that Brian has no support in this. All of his "friends" are nowhere to be found. Honestly. As my dad says, they're "like farts in a windstorm." Sometimes I wonder about my dad's little analogies.
I'm stupid if I say I don't have support...it's just, I don't feel it. Just because you don't feel something, doesn't mean it's there, right? I mean--I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, I believe in love even when I don't feel it, and I believe in God even when He is silent. (OK...just jacked that from a song)
I'm not sure what I'm wanting these days. Or if anything will satisfy me. (OK...I know, I know...Jesus satisfies...got that one down bud)
Sorry my blogs aren't so articulate and planned. I'm not one who sits out and writes them before-hand, or edits them until perfection is reached. I'm just writing off the top of my mind...and it's quite random up there. :)
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1 comment:
Laura,
I have met the enemy and he is me. Yes inside each of us is our own junk. I am greedy and often lust, gossip,overeat, and fart up
a windstorm. Who will save me from such a wretched man as I am? Thanks be to God that there is "no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus! For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death." Now...just to be saved from myself. I am saved from the penalty of my sin (Praise Jesus), I am in the process of being saved from my sin nature, and SOMEDAY I will be saved out of the presence of sin into the Presence of God, until then all eyes on Jesus by faith until I get to focus by sight.
Love you!Dad
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